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How Many People Can Earth Support?

News From Betty Updated

News from Betty

Insights about mental illness

Nicola Reddwoodd

The massacre by Elliot made me decide to pick up my book News from Betty again and write down my thoughts. I want to protect people who are lonely like all of those recent shooters from this kind of disconnectedness and to protect future victims from being victimized. Knowledge is the key to navigating oneself through the chaos of life. Same applies to gaining wealth and other subjects like becoming healthy.

Since I have been working on my own story for several years trying to patch together past memories and bringing them into a broader picture of understanding psychology I thought why not finish this book now, it might just help a few boys, girls and people in general like the kid in the car.

Disclaimer (for my own safety because our freedom of speech rights have been dismantled to the point by the medical industry that we get legally in trouble if we don't make this disclaimer): I am not a licensed medical professional and by law I have to advise people to seek a licensed medical practitioner in case of illness.

In a World far Beyond

In a world far beyond where no judgement exists someone like me can relax. In a world far beyond where cubic jello flowers grow is only eternal space. In a world far beyond where there is no gravity we can float. In a world far beyond where there are endless swimming pools we can be free. In a world far beyond where there are Blue Gods in Dog Forms we don't have to be afraid any longer.

　

　

The Ego

What is the Ego? The Ego means I and comes from the old Latin. In psychology and philosophy the Ego has become the word for the selfish I, the protector of the inner child and the Over I, the one who hovers over the real self. Sigmund Freud analysed the Ego as a self fixation. Eliza Mada Dalian said that the Ego needs to be healed before it can be transcended. Transcending means moving beyond. Jiddu Krishnamurti explained that the Ego is our vehicle to form an identity through often unhealthy associations like religion, status, profession and even the car we drive. Dr. Arthur Janov describes the Ego as the defense mechanism which was helpful for us when trauma happened during childhood but which stands in the way of healing during adulthood.

The Ego has two sides of the coin. On one side it is there to protect the inner child from further hurt. This function appears very often when a person had been severely hurt during childhood, either physically, emotionally, or both. The Ego, which is an abstract term, is the function of the biological system's own defense which is a very subconscious protective mechanism and which reacts out of childhood pain. When the old memories are triggered in the present time the Ego tries to protect the person from further hurt.

For example I had not been able to establish primal trust as a child. When my brother was born I was 5 years old and the attention he received felt to me like any possible attention would now be taken away from me and I was jealous. Later on the same trauma manifested itself into jealousy of other girls and women. When I saw a woman receiving attention from a man I liked it felt like my whole person was threatened to be erased, this is how severe this pain can feel. Then the Ego kicks in and tries all kinds of things to protect me from further hurt. The Ego will do things like, in my situation, avoid the company of women who had the same attributes as my little brother had, chubby, round face, red cheeks, sturdy built, strong, loved, etc. Running away from those women and avoiding them is one way for the Ego to cope with it, another way is to make me feel like I got "even" by telling a woman friend that the man she liked spent the night with me. I thankfully transcended this. Another way was denial which is not easy for me to do for some reason, my brain is not good at lying and denying, but the Ego tried and came up with some  bizarre techniques to make me think that I had this or that characteristic better than the woman I was jealous of. I also worked on this and am in the process of totally removing it now as well as removing the avoidance and all OCD. The only path is the one to the core of things, it’s not easy but it can be done step by step with diligence and perseverance. Never give up on this work of going within. Its scary but worthwhile.

The memories are stored in the neuronal network of nerve cells in the brain. The nerve cell connections create the memories, knowledge and plans. The Ego together with all memories and knowledge consists of neuronal connections. Those connections can be dissolved and newly arranged naturally by the individual when new understanding occurs. The Ego function can sometimes be very volatile and convoluted that just looking at someone the "wrong" way can cause that person to snap.

Dogs (and all animals) and humans can heal old wounds through a loving environment, through being understood, and through loving care. Dogs who had been abused and were rescued by loving persons, heal their physical and emotional wounds through being nurtured with unconditional love. Humans need this as well, but they also need systematic unlearning of the old patterns of thinking which caused them to remain stuck in the pain cycle. When they dissolve the old thought patterns and the old "if this, then that" type of associations, then they automatically dissolve the Ego as well. I believe that healing the Ego is dissolving the Ego, because the Ego is nothing other than a self protection modus which is no longer necessary when the persons see the big picture of how things are interconnected, when they see the causality between the old patterns and negative results in the present time. Just like dogs, humans should have a supportive environment when working on those old neuronal patterns for easier and faster progress of the therapeutic work. It is too hard to do the work all alone. Animals and humans need a support group of loving beings around them.

I saw the video of the kid in his car who shot and killed people. At some point while he was talking to the camera he was close to tears, but because nobody was there with him he was too overwhelmed to cry. In order to cry one has to feel at least a minimum level of emotional comfort. I have been in that state of mind where I was extremely overwhelmed to the point of being psychologically frozen many times. I know what it feels like but I have always known that there was light beyond the horizon. Most humans think there is nothing other than the story they have been presented with by the people who taught them. In reality the amount of possibilities around us are endless with endless opportunities, endless elegant and gentle solutions to all problems. But when stuck in problems people can not imagine where the solutions should come from. I am writing this book to help all Earthians, animals and people from catastrophes like the shootings of innocent people.

An abused and frightened female Pitbullterrier was found in a public place hiding behind bushes and old car tires. The animal rescuers, a woman and a man who knew animal psychology, carefully approached her with warm words, with food and with a water bowl. They spoke gently to the frightened dog who wanted to be rescued but was too afraid to come out of the hedge. It was an inner struggle for her. But with much patience and time the rescuers were able to pet her gently and give her the food and water. They sat with her for a while so that she could see that they were not going to hurt her. Makes me cry thinking about this beautiful girl dog. In time she trusted them, she let them massage her back, she let them put the collar around her neck and she went with them to be treated by the veterinarian. She was doing well then and was adopted to kindhearted people. The Pitbullterrier would not have been able to heal the trauma so fast on her own and maybe never in her life if she had not been protected and loved by the rescuers and the family. Too many dogs end up on the streets terrified, lonely, and abandoned. That's why we have to Adopt dogs and other animals from shelters because millions are longing for a kind home.

A man verbally attacked me while I was petitioning in front of a store to save the whales. He said "What about the fetuses being aborted?". Another guy pulled his pants down to show his butt. Another guy would not give me my petition board back and I had to struggle with him. What exactly is going on in those people's brains?

An example scenario:

A homeless man sees a woman petitioning for the whales and several thoughts go through his mind: He feels like he deserves love more than others. He feels entitled. His needs had never been met as a child. He is mad at the woman helping other species because he had been indoctrinated to believe that only humans were worth receiving help. His Ego latches on to the religion. The religion which began early in his life made him believe that this is who he really is, that being a Christian is his identity. The Ego gets mad at anything that questions this religion in any form possible, even if it happened to be an unintentional questioning, he still thinks it questions his religion/Ego due to the subject of helping other species. He wants to hurt the woman, he tries to hurt her with words, with berating, and finally with ridicule and bullying. He also thinks (subconsciously) "Oh, there is one of those tree huggers, they don't defend themselves, they are non violent, I can get away with being verbally violent against her, this is my chance to offend someone, get even with society, feel less helpless and feel as if I was superior". This is how volatile the human Ego can be, I personally have witnessed it in many variations.

This theoretical scenario highlights what could be done to help the man: The woman petitioning calls the police, the police picks the homeless man up, he goes to jail, in jail a social worker is called over to help the homeless man. The social worker arrives and brings the homeless man to a sanatorium where he is being washed with natural plant soaps, dressed in loose fitting cotton clothes, where he gets fresh squeezed fruit juice to drink, herbal teas, no meat, no animal products and lots of fresh fruits and vegetables, where he is listened to and understood. In these healthy and warm surroundings he is beginning to feel better, his anger subsides and he opens up to the social workers and psychologists gradually. They treat his toxoplasmosis with Dr. Schulze's bowel cleansing cure. The cayenne pepper, lots of raw garlic, and Detox Formula kill the parasites, the raw fruits and vegetables give him strength and balance his immune functions, the Intestinal Formula Number 1 cleans out the colon, the Intestinal Formula Number 2 draws out all toxins including the dead toxoplasmosis and other parasites, fiber glass particles, nicotine, Strontium 90, plastic fibers, and 60 year old fecal matter which had been stored in diverticuli sacks that had been formed on the colon membrane through sluggish bowel states and toxicity. The homeless man feels a whole lot better, his skin begins to look more rosy, his eyes are shinier, his wrinkles on his forehead fade away. Seminars about self empowerment help him, he learns about the Ego functions, the big picture of how things are interconnected, the causality between old thought patterns and negative results in the present time and how to take good care of himself in the future. He still gets mad at times hearing about how religion has shaped him in such a negative form and he takes offense, still defending his religion as if it is his body. The psychologists explain to him that it’s his Ego being defensive. He understands and gradually he no longer clings to the old thought patterns and a new understanding about life, other beings, and himself forms itself. He learns that whales, dogs and humans are all interconnected through the web of subatomic particles, that all Earthian beings have the same needs, and that nature is not the evil villain, but a nurture ground for himself and all life forms. He learns that all living beings want to live, be healthy and be happy.

I was looking up the word Fauna, I knew that it meant animal life but I wanted to know where the word comes from because I am not satisfied with words that I use without knowing their origins. Fauna is a Roman goddess of Earth and fertility. The Greek god Pan is also a figure of Earth and living, they both look very similar and they might have originated from the same mythology and image. Those are figures of hybrid animal and human looks and they represent life, fertility, abundance, health and connectedness to nature.

Hecate, Lucifer, Bacchus, Dionysus, Fauna, Faunus, Faun, Pan, Satyr, those are all mythological figures and gods of nature, animal life, fertility, pleasure, health, knowledge and abundance. The reason why those pagan, native, and original gods have been declared as negative, dangerous, and "evil" by the Christians is because they wanted to scare the pagan farmers and shepherds into leaving their old wisdom and beliefs and converting to Christianity so that the Christian clergy together with the people in power, could control their minds. We must become aware of those mechanisms in history if we want to even begin to understand our own miseries, to understand why, when and who.

Satan is a Hebrew word and means "oppose, obstruct, the accuser and the adversary". Anybody who opposed the government in charge was portrayed as bad and wrong. This serious brainwashing had been happening for thousands of years. Lucifer is a Hebrew word and means "Shining one, morning star, the planet Venus, light bearing, bringer of dawn, and the enlightened one", someone who is informed, aware, and who sheds light onto things. In the Quran Lucifer is called Iblis who is described as being banished from heaven and called Satan because he refused to prostrate (lie down) before Adam. This is very interesting, someone who is not obeying a dictator will be labeled Satan and be banned from "heaven" or from living in peace basically, with other words someone who is disobedient to a dictator will be punished and terrorized. This is mind control of the worst kind.

Nobody, neither the shooters nor the devil worshippers nor anyone who has been declared as "evil", "devil" or "Satan", is that what they are accused of. Some people call abortion doctors "Satan", some people call environmentalists "Satan", some people have called me "Satan". Nobody is "evil". I for example am a very altruistic person, I care deeply about others and so do most abortion doctors, free thinkers, atheists and environmentalists care deeply. The label Satan is used for mind control and to install fear.

All has to do with the Ego or psychological defense mechanism. We have to stop using labels and start looking way inside the problematic situation itself. Labeling people is intellectual dishonesty. It takes courage to become honest and brave but we have no choice if we want to make progress towards a better and more peaceful life within ourselves and on planet Earth. The devil does not exist, there are no demons, and there are no punishing gods. All of this is created out of fear, originally ever since our ancestors Lucy and Ardi began to think that A caused B in nature. They could not explain lightening, they could not explain why the sun descends and arises, they could not explain why they had droughts. Through more and more knowledge people began to understand more about nature, for example that it was not the gods who created thunder and lightening nor all the other things. You will see that this knowledge generating will continue and we will understand much more about everything and the life around us. But we have to be patient and not come to quick associations about things, lets not be so quick to "explain" paranormal occurrences by labeling it perfect "orchestration" of the universe nor attributing it to a creator, nor insinuating some demon work into it. I see some scientists do that, they think they are cool doing it. But its not cool, its intellectually dishonest. I like what Dr. Ben Goertzel said, that we have to build knowledge on knowledge that has been scientifically proven, not build knowledge on theories of theories on branches of branches. We would lose touch with reality if we built only on theories. We can theorize but we have to do science with the building blocks of knowledge that we have available at any given time. We have to stay honest and not duck into something that sounds cool to the public, socially acceptable, palatable and through that most likely profitable as well.

The word Devil comes from the Greek word Diabolos which means slanderer and accuser. The devil in Christianity is equated to "Individualism, free will, wisdom, enlightenment and crisis of faith". The Devil, Satan, or Lucifer is depicted looking like Fauna, Faunus or Faun who is the hybrid animal and human figure and the one connected to Earth, life and the eternal universe. Fauna is the goddess who the pagan farmers looked up to and prayed to so that she will bring them water and rain. The Christian crusaders wanted to scare people into submission by making their invented Lucifer look like Fauna so that the pagan people would begin to sway away from their ancient wisdom about nature, so that the farmers turned away from their vast knowledge about natural agriculture and through this anti information the Christian dictators made the farmers and other people dependent on Christianity and its dictators. They wanted to take away the farmers' independence, their health, their happiness, their knowledge, and basically their power. They wanted to pressure them into total obedience to the dictatorship. The same schematic has happened around the whole planet. Christian crusaders occupied native lands and pressured the tribal people into submission to the Christian religion. They did this with violent force psychologically and physically. I have seen Native cemeteries in Smith River, California. Sue Calla explained to me what had happened there in 1850 when the settlers came from England, Ireland and Scotland. The settlers slayed the native people and created a bloodbath in the lagoon ponds because the native people did not want to conform to Christianity and the "civilized" way of living.

When I was a child my parents still had those old fairy tale books which were full of stories written around the time of those crusades into Europe coming from the Roman Empire and bringing with them Christianity and forcing it on everybody. Those stories were probably written around 1100 originally in Latin and they always portrayed those individual women who lived by themselves in the forests as dangerous persons, calling them witches. The plan was the same as with the description of the devil, they wanted to scare the pagans into abandoning their tradition, they wanted the women to be totally obedient to men and to the man dominated society, they wanted everybody to pay doctors to do medical procedures on them instead of healing themselves, and they wanted all people to avoid women who had knowledge about plants, because the herbalist women who they called witches were their rivals. The witches were always described as old and ugly with rotten teeth, wearing rag clothes and flying over rolling hills on their brooms. In the fairy tales they never talked about what their society did to the women they labeled witches (or Hexen in German). Someone only needed to label someone they didn't like a "witch" and the clergy took that woman and burned her. Many women during those centuries were burned alive for being labeled witches in the name of Jesus Christ. I wonder how Jesus would feel if he knew what they did in his name.

Humanity, at least in the western world of planet Earth, has become wiser and they don't do this type of horror any more. But there are some people in third world countries who still burn "witches" in the name of Christianity. How can we convince those people that what they are doing is cruel? We need teachers to go there and educate them about the facts so that the cruelty and suffering can finally come to an end.

Same basic principle applies to what is happening with the Koboldt Maki in Madagascar, the tree climbing monkey who has very round eyes. They are killed by indigenous people because they think that those monkeys are demons because of their round eyes. We must send teachers and groups to Madagascar to educate the indigenous people about biology and that the monkeys and lemurs are not demons, that they have those round and large eyes because they are nocturnal animals who search for food at night because it is safer for them.

It is Eastern holiday time in 2013 while I am writing these paragraphs and my husband mentioned to me today that Eastern was originally not a Christian celebration day, that instead it was celebrated by farmers and shepherds and many other people in Europe to welcome spring. Before Christians arrived in Europe the pagan people celebrated the beginning of spring also called Spring Equinox which is the day of entering officially into the spring season. Equinox happens twice a year once in spring and once in fall when the length of the day is the same as the length of the night. In Northern Europe the pagan people before Christianity worshipped Estre also called Eostre and Austron, which is the goddess of fertility, spring and rebirth. The old Germanic word Austra means to shine. The word estrogen originates from her name as well as the Latin word oestrus and the word estrus used today.

When my brother and I were children we were sent out into the garden on Eastern, in German its called Ostern, to search for the chocolate eggs which my parents had hidden for us under trees, in bushes, and hedges. I liked the tradition because I'm a dormant and anonymous chocoholic who converted to carob. But what was very disturbing was the tradition of my grandparents baking a rabbit for Eastern. I had a pet rabbit and eating one who looked like Putzi was very confusing to me.

The pagan tradition tells a story of the goddess Eostre, maybe the name Esther originates from the name Eostre, who had a large pet rabbit, a so called Hare, or Hase in German, and this Hare would bring children presents at each spring. How can the people then bake a rabbit after telling a story of a rabbit who is so generous giving children presents? This makes no sense at all and it is very sad. Maybe we can all solve this problem forever by never eating animals again and by not wearing their skins either. Instead we can be friends with animals, we can learn from them because they are much more tuned into nature than we are and we can enjoy the softness of their live and happy fur by petting and cuddling with them gently, some of them might even like to be carried around on people's chests in baby carrier backpacks. Looks and feels much better than dead fur which leads me to the next paragraph:

A person I know very well has one day posted a video by Prada on his Facebook page. I was shocked and sad when I watched the video. The video was telling a story of a woman at her psychiatrist's office and the psychiatrist petted her dead fur coat when she was not looking. The elephant in the room was totally overlooked. The animal skin with all of its gruesome history was ignored. The only thing seen and noticed in this video was the beauty of the fur, the woman, the Sigmund Freud type of psychiatrist and his nifty office. I cried. I thought, why? Why don't people see the obvious? Why don't they pay attention to the facts? When they make furs they skin the animals alive and conscious without anesthesia. They also do that with baby fur seals. This coat in the film looked like it was a baby fur seal coat. How can women wear something like that? Where is the love? Where is the caring?

The members of PETA have caring brains, and they convinced many fashion designers including Prada, to abandon fur. The formations in the brain found to have something to do with caring are the amygdalae and the corpus callosum (the communication bridge between the two hemispheres). Also the prefrontal cortex plays a role in caring and responsibility. When those formations are well developed then the persons are deeply caring and altruistic. When those formations are atrophied, the persons tend to be uncaring, violent and selfish. The hypothalamus and the pituitary gland play a role in depression and fear. When they bypass the prefrontal cortex and create a shortcut which occurs in panic states, they can cause irrational behavior and even violence. Interesting is that people with William's Syndrome have enlarged amygdalae and they all care very deeply about all animals and people. They don't differentiate between them, they don't judge according to looks. William's people love every living being with such passion. They are very happy, they feel no fear, they dance all day long and they experience an abundance of joy all the time.

The surroundings of a person when growing up is equally important and scientists began looking into an interaction between genes and environment. Dr. Barbara McClintock (June 16, 1902 – September 2, 1992) discovered the transposons and the transcription factor, a mechanism she also called "jumping genes", which make up 90% of the genome in corn species. Today scientists have discovered that the transposition elements make up 50% of the human genome and that those functions happen in all organisms, plant and animal. What is going on in an organism's surroundings can shape the DNA in certain areas through the transposons and the transcription factor which is a complex enzymatic mechanism that reports an outside occurrence to the DNA. Those enzymatic reactions to outside stimuli trigger amino acids to copy certain sequences from the DNA which in turn are being patched into the DNA. Those are adaptations that are not visible nor noticeable much, neither by the affected individual nor by others. Those adaptations have something to do with endocrinological coping mechanisms and can even cause permanent reshaping of the organism's functions. Those might be functions as minutely noticeable as tolerance to poisons probably, and as dramatic as (probably) intolerance to normally harmless substances as in acute sensitivities like Celiac disease which is a severe gluten intolerance in which gluten from certain seeds like wheat can destroy the intestinal lining and prevent food absorption. This dysfunction might be an attempt to regulate the system by sending alerts to overstimulate the immune system which leads to swelling of the intestines. Environmental pollutants caused by pharma and oil companies and other polluting companies like GMO manufacturers, play a key role in this mechanism. Those intolerances and immune overstimulation has not occurred before planet Earth has become industrialized.

Genie, her real name is Susan Wiley, who had been tied to a baby bed for 13 years of her life and who was badly abused by her father, might have experienced transpositional reshaping of her DNA according to her surroundings. Its just an idea. I am sure many different variables are responsible for the cortical as well as her body shape atrophy. Today she lives in a sanatorium in LA. Someone should try to find out whether her brain might be able to reshape itself again through her working with images on the computer screen and learning to type. Work like this has been done before with severely autistic children with much success. The brain plasticity is active throughout an individual's life span and not only throughout youth which was believed in the past. Experience reshapes the neuronal pathways throughout a whole life time. Of course the plasticity of the brain has its own function besides the function of the transposons and the transcription factor. But I believe that both function together, supplementally and interactively. An atrophied brain is unlikely to regain the full size but I would love to see this happen. However little improvements can make a person's life a whole lot better and little improvements over a long time span can accumulate into larger improvements. Same applies to prisoners doing Vipassana meditation and reshaping their brain formations towards caring and responsibility.

Another case is that of a girl in England who created over 30 different personalities through a condition called Dissociative Identity Disorder. She had been severely abused and tortured as a child. In order for her organism to survive this severe abuse she developed the coping mechanism of splitting into different persons. Not everybody has this ability of coping, it is a very rare mechanism which is certainly genetic in nature. But it does not occur under normal circumstances. It requires both, genetics as well as the environmental factors to develop. Some people die through this type of child abuse. DID makes survival possible, but the price to pay with a life of continuous splitting is high. What is very interesting to observe is that in some cases of DID, some of the persons' personalities have allergies towards certain substances while other personalities do not have allergies. All of this shifting is happening in one body. This phenomenon offers more questions than answers and leads to hypothesize that in those cases the epigenetics play a role as well. A personality which has an allergy might send its subconscious messages to the individual's cells and DNA and the transposition factors create the allergic reaction while a different personality will not send those messages out.

Another case is Oxana, a girl in Russia who grew up with dogs and who as a child did not learn how to walk on two legs nor eat with her hands. She was later brought to a farm where she was taught how to walk, speak and eat at the table. She preferred to behave like a dog, because that was natural for her. Her neuronal pathways had fully adapted to this way of living like a dog. But living with humans later on reshaped her neuronal pathways. The environment shapes an animal or a human and the natural abilities that the individual has will help the animal or human adapt to that given situation. All of those variables play a large role in a biological system: The genetic disposition (which takes up the highest percentage), the biology intrauterine with its influences from the mother's own endocrinology, the outside environment of the baby and growing offspring, and the continuous interaction between the environment and its influences on the survival adaptation in the individual and the subconscious processes of transposon activity due to adaptational demands.

In general, the environment plays a large role in how an animal or human grows up. The earlier the influences the more drastic are the effects on the individual's life physically and emotionally. The Ego is the general coping mechanism throughout humanity. We assume that most people are "normal", because we equate "normal" with the majority of human behavior. But is it normal? Is normal the ideal? What is our ideal? Is our ideal shaped by that what we learned? Or can an ideal be shaped by dreams and visions that evolved out of creativity? When I was a child I thought that everybody else was smart, normal, and ideal and that I was a mistake, a mental cripple, and a crazy person. It took me 30 to 40 years to wake up to the fact that maybe I was not that crazy after all, and maybe the society of humans around me was not in tune with nature, themselves, and reality. The more I questioned, the more I studied, the more I researched for myself, the more I understood that most humans are not happy, not connected to planet Earth and that most humans act out of the Ego. I thought that can not be the solution to living. Working for a boss who hollers at me, going to school learning things that make no sense (at least in the early 90s that was still the case), and being bullied by peer groups is not the way I want to live. I reject any form of hierarchy. Hierarchy is something that belongs into a museum. It doesn't do us humans any good.

The person who posted the Prada fur coat clip on his Facebook has a long history of hierarchical behavior, having hierarchy drilled into him, and having never questioned it once. His whole life he learned that he better be superior otherwise he would have failed all together. He had to be superior in taste, class, education level, cultural background with art, etiquette, table manners and "the noble has to hold the other cheek and never fight back" (something that Friedrich Nietzsche equated with slave morality), clothing has to be the most expensive and cutting edge design, and he was told indirectly that he could never ever be friends with someone from a "lower class". This person was caught in a horrific trap set by a society of humans who are equally caught in a horrific trap themselves. Those people feed into the hierarchical system and make it snowball further and further down the line.

I see that the same happened to the kid in the car where he is the third generation of people whose Egos needed to feel "superior". That's why I can identify myself so much with Elliott. I understand very well where he is coming from. Each generation felt more pressure to represent that superiority which was subconsciously drilled into the minds. Its an escalation of detachment from themselves, others and the Earth. Each generation had to come up with a more and more drastic approach to show off. Many people fall into this trap. That's why it is so incredibly important to stop in one's tracks and begin to understand what is going on and how to heal those old wounds.

This type of classism can cause teenagers to commit suicide because of being bullied in school or on the Internet either with direct insults but also with subtle hostilities, comparisons and psychological put downs. I was shocked about how cruel some people are being treated. Teenagers in particular are bullied when they don't wear designer clothes, this trend started already in the 80s when I was a teenager. I remember how easily my classmates fell right into this classism trap. The person with the Prada commercial was also bullied by his classmates about his clothes. He even felt forced to lie in order to get out of their accusations of not having enough designer clothes, instead of saying "my wardrobe is nobody's business". He was intimidated and he never questioned society. So he grew into a Mafia type of man who collects cold, sharp, edgy and vogue items. He wants to grow mentally so he listens to Eckhart Tolle but he is so immersed in his defense mechanisms that he can't identify them properly nor resolve them. The defense mechanism or Ego is so tricky, it is as smart as the person himself. Any slight criticism from someone else in particular someone who he disrespects, he sees as a put down of his person image instead of welcoming the advise to grow from. He is locked up in his cycle of nobleism. I just wish so much that he will one day recognize what he is doing and stop the act outs all together and instead be who he really is: The innocent and gentle kid which is there underneath all of the identifications. I care about the person with the Prada commercial very much and I want to highlight this scenario which is common in society. It is a trap cycle which is so unnecessary. If we think about this cause and effect it should not be so difficult to free ourselves. It is so critical to become aware of this mechanism and not pass the same hurt, pain and conditioning on to the next generation in never ending loops.

Another example is E. who is about 70 years old, she is pretty, petite and has a good figure. But she has very wrinkly arms which give away her age. She most likely had surgeries done. She vigorously exercises which is healthy if its done through having fun doing it. But the way E. was doing the exercising did not look like much fun to me. She had a sour look on her face the whole time she was doing it and she even told us that she had to force herself to get back in shape. Forcing oneself is not good. One should be compelled to do it and not out of some type of negative incentive nor positive incentive even but out of pure joy for the action itself. If I don't have fun exercising I don't exercise its that simple, because I know that one can hurt the muscles if the body is not fully enjoying the process and it can cause psychological stress which is very unhealthy. E. is in denial about her biological age, she thinks she is still hot and super attractive to men. When she saw men looking at her fat friend instead of her she was really angry and hurt. Her whole life she clung to her outstanding beauty and even made money with it. My explanation for this type of denial is that she must not have been much respected by her parents either like most of us, and when she noticed that her looks made up for it she focused all of her attention on how she was physically perceived by others. With other words she invested all of her energy into this one area of her life. This happens very often and that is why plastic surgeons are becoming billionaires. For a woman who invested all of her focus on her looks it must be horrific to get old. I see it as tragic because I can empathize with them because I know how it feels to be rejected by men. The only way to deal with this pain is to go within instead of seeking surgeons, forcing oneself to exercise, doing skin treatments and such and all that heated frenzied and stressful fuss about staying in shape. Going within through meditation, yoga, mindfulness training, long conversations with trusted people, hiking without stress, painting and sculpting art, petting animals, doing something to help animals who suffer, eating healthy food, becoming raw, fresh vegan, drinking herbal teas that make you feel good and much more, is a whole lot better for us.

The more one clings to an outcome the less likely the desired outcome will occur, this is the law of attraction. I have seen it with my own eyes over and over again happen. Each time someone clings to anything with such force the person is no longer in the flow of life, he becomes rigid and rigidity will break in time through the force of the flow of life itself. We have to accept the flow of life the way it is. I am not saying that old age is necessarily unstoppable. Soon there will be nanotechnology and gene therapy which slows down the ageing process dramatically. But in general we should accept whatever comes our way as a means to learn from it and grow from it instead of resisting it with vigorous force. Its good to be taking preventive measures but its not good to mentally cling to a certain outcome. We can gently wish for things but when we begin to demand it we become rigid and then the very thing we wish for disappears from sight.

If E. had been given unconditional love by her mother and parents and family and been totally respected as a living being she would not have clung to her looks later on. She would have naturally known better and invested her focus on other virtues as well. In her case she might not have had further energy left to be interested in other things because of the stress that this situation of needing to be beautiful caused her. Again what I want to offer to the reader is to always understand how utterly important it is to give your loved ones, animals and humans, particularly the infants, this unconditional love that they deserve and need in order to live a healthy life, so that these types of neuroses do not develop.

Another example is Al. who used to be a supermodel. She is certainly one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen in my life. Although I believe that she does have some love in her hidden away underneath the layers of makeup, she did not show any affection towards either the dog nor anybody else. The only affection she showed was the one for herself and her beauty and her experiences that were caused by her beauty. Later on I found out that she lived through a cold and unstable childhood and I realized again that without the primal trust in her life she clung to the only thing that seemed stable at all: Her beauty.

O. fascinates me because she also had beauty to hold on to when the childhood trust was not established, but she was aware of her beauty being misunderstood and seen as being only beautiful without other virtues. She wanted to make sure that she is not seen as an empty beauty shell but rather as someone who is also interesting on the inside. That is a step more intelligent, however the hurt is there underneath and her act out is to prove that she is more than her beauty, which is not a relaxed situation either. One has to remove those neurotic driving forces in order to live in peace.

A. built with passion a career and she has a vision. Her childhood was traumatic with lots of chaos and fights and instability. She had to learn early to fend for herself. I envy her high self esteem. She told me that her mother has always praised her and her siblings and it was clear that those confirmations from her mother shaped her life in a very positive form so that at least she had this unshakable self esteem as a foundation. But she is driven to excel everybody else otherwise the Ego thinks that she is in danger.

P. had a good mother who gave him stability for the first critical 3 years with breastfeeding and much cuddling. His problem was his father who was jealous of him, rejected him, bullied him and even physically hurt him. His father continuously told him that he was a dumb and lazy kid. If he had not had his mother's love at the critical first 3 years he would likely not have been able to quit drinking and smoking later on. But his father had done so much damage to him that he never built up enough self esteem to stand up for himself. I have seen him make progress throughout the years. Very important is a continuously supportive environment at any stage in an animal's and human's life.

Case A. and case P. show how vital it is for the parents to give the children positive affirmations, praise, and respect. It can make the difference between life and death, being an alcoholic and being free from all toxins, being alone and having friends. My own case confirms this as well. My mother's harsh criticism and my grandfather's bullying calling me stupid made me into a timid student who is shaking at the thought of giving a presentation. This continuous put down throughout my childhood totally shaped my entire life. Without that I would have become a psychologist. Now I can call myself a hobby psychologist at best and I am dependent on others financially. But I have systematically worked on myself throughout my life and continued to grow. Maybe this situation of not being respected in society and family made me look within much deeper than had I been a respected psychologist. But this path is harsh, hostile and very difficult. Today I would say it’s not easy but I am finally in a flow of life, art, health, love, and progression, I pulled myself up on the bootstraps of lots of teachings, information, science, herbology and nature. I am deeply grateful for all of this.

The animal Ego is much less complicated, but it’s there. After all, they are our distant cousins and the Ego started long before the first primates evolved. The studies by Jim and Jamie Dutcher reveal how the wolf Ego manifests itself through interactions. Living in the wild is extremely rough and the animals who live in nature, although adapted very well to the situation, have developed certain behavior patterns which are not that healthy in my opinion. For example what I saw in the documentary Living with Wolves, is that the wolves have a very distinct hierarchy and the Alpha, the leader wolf, has total domination over the other wolves and the Omega wolf is the one lowest in this hierarchy. What happened in the wolf pack is very sad. The Omega wolf was a female and she was their entertainer, clown and servant. She was often not allowed to eat at all when the others were eating, they picked on her, they bullied her and they excluded her a lot. One day she wandered away from the others and it looked like she was extremely depressed and she looked like she was disappointed, she looked unempowered with her head hanging down. A mountain lion saw her wandering alone and killed her. The others mourned over her, they must have loved her somehow. But why did they treat her so badly? The answer lies in the Ego development. The Alpha animal has always survived and the less dominant animals have always died sooner, this began during the development of the first fish or even less evolved animals. The first forms of Ego development are ancient. The animals who had this character trait continued to proliferate their genes and the trait of Ego continued on. The wolves loved the clown Omega female but their Egos and their hierarchy would not allow her to eat side by side with them nor allow her to get as much grooming as the others get.

When they relocated the wolf pack to another area they set up each cage next to the other side by side, the wolves were conscious and awake and waiting to be released. The scientists said that they had to release the wolves according to their hierarchy, because if they released the Omega wolf first or before a higher ranking wolf, then the higher ranking wolf or wolves would likely kill the lower ranking one for having been favored by the humans.

Lower ranking animals have a much less balanced immune function as observed in the primate studies by Dr. Robert Sapolsky. But just because this behavior pattern of rank establishment has always existed among animals does not imply that it has to be supported, perpetuated and proliferated by humans. Wolves, raccoons, bears and many other animals don't have enough prefrontal cortex and neocortex mass to understand this situation in order to dissolve the Ego and become their own observers. They don't know better, they think that dominating others is the only way to survive and function.

Baboons already have what it takes to observe, understand and reflect over this situation: The family of baboons had bullies which of course were the Alpha males, larger than the females and other males, more aggressive, and more dominating. They bullied their family members for years and the less dominant monkeys suffered very much. One day the aggressive Alpha males went into an abandoned hotel where old meat was left over and only the bullies ate the meat. The meat was contaminated with a deadly bacteria called mycobacterium tuberculosis and the Alpha males died of tuberculosis as a result of the food poisoning.

The females and mellow males survived and they were able to understand that life was much better now after the bullies were gone. They understood cognitively that bad behavior was not acceptable and they all decided unanimously to behave kindly, gently and supportively of one another without hierarchy from then on. Even new baboons entering into the group who behaved a bit disrespectfully, were chased out of the group and not allowed back in until they revised their behavior. This is a remarkable find in science. Baboons already have this capacity to cognitively understand that peace and love is the only solution. If they can do it, then chimpanzees and humans can do the same. Its doable.

Humans bred dogs throughout thousands of years to become very unselfish. The dogs who live with caring humans have nothing to fear and out of this ideal situation grew the Buddha nature, their signature character, the infinite love they have for us humans and for all other animals. Therefore hierarchy and Ego are disappearing among dogs. My dog Kenny for example willingly shared his food with Carmen who was rescued in Mexico, and Carmen shared the food with him. It touched me deeply when I watched them eat together.

　

　

Prenatal nurture and vertical births

My mother was not eating healthy food and she was quick to take valium for sleeping disorders. She was not addicted to anything, and fairly healthy, but back then they did not know how toxic all of those substances are particularly for the embryo and fetus.

Toxins in the mother's system during pregnancy can even cause embryonic developmental stagnation. A toxic system is also caused by the mother experiencing severe stress which in turn affects the embryo as well. For example during the third month of gestation is the gender cell differentiation process. When the mother creates a toxic environment for the embryo the gender development can stagnate. Slight variations such as bisexuality and homosexuality can occur. More severe variations can range all the way to transgenderism where the person as an adult requires surgeries to reverse their gender because the brain's gender differs entirely from the body's gender. A person can also be stagnated between the genders in the brain as well as in the body. This is very stressful for the person to deal with. It can be catastrophic not only because of the identity development of the person but also because of the social stigmatization. Homosexuality or transgenderism is not a choice made by the affected person. I first read about these research findings in the early 80s and much more detailed research has been conducted since then.

I am thankful that I have my whole gender as a woman and that nothing went wrong during the third month of my embryonic development. On the Pearl and Pearl scale of female versus male brain I rank extreme female actually which I found very interesting. My problems occurred in the late 8th month of gestation which affected other regions in the brain, possibly those which have to do with psychological stability.

Developmental stagnation can be prevented through a careful, gentle, and natural pregnancy. I personally would Never use pain medicine, barbiturates, any pharma drugs, alcohol, street drugs, nicotine nor coffee during pregnancy. I would make sure to have no psychological stress. I would go for long hikes in nature, eat wholesome food, drink a lot of fluids like herbal teas, listen to classical music or ambient music and most importantly gently pet an animal a lot every day because its true love and that is good for all of us, the animals, the embryo and the adult humans.

There is such a huge amount of medicinal plants on this planet and often its those plants which people like to get rid of which are very beneficial in treating all kinds of health problems. I recommend to Never ever use pesticides in the garden. Pesticides cause neurodegenerative diseases in animals and humans. Instead cut or dig up dandelion, blackberry, nettle, milk thistle, etc., and make tea with them. They heal the liver without any negative side effects.

Towards the end of her pregnancy my mother found out about her mother’s (my grandmother's) diagnosis of cancer. This may have been the cause of extreme emotional vulnerability and the lack of defense mechanisms against emotional as well as physical pain in my central nervous system. My nervous system is easily overwhelmed and the endorphin production seems inefficient. I have a deeply rooted fear of chaos. As a child I frequently had visions and dreams of smoothness which all of the sudden turned into chaos looking like the static on the old analog TVs between channels. Chaos is exactly what the fetus feels when the mother experiences an emotional shock. The mother as well as the fetus are overwhelmed by the chain reaction of their systems creating different hormones and chemicals caused by shock. The chemical chain reaction is the system's own desperate attempt to help and it’s also called the Fight or Flight Syndrome. The more severe the shock is to the system, the more drastic is the trauma not only to the mother, but particularly to her unborn offspring. That's why it is critical that the mother feels good throughout the entire pregnancy.

At the hospital they hollered mean at my mother to push the baby out harder, she was in severe pain and they had to anesthetize her, which in turn resulted in the baby having a hard time to work herself out of the birth canal because she was drugged as well through the umbilical cord. This is giving birth the wrong way, it is adverse for mother, child and the environment. They also hit the babies on the behinds "in order to make them scream and to get air into their lungs". This method has been refuted thankfully for a long time now. Its old school and not necessary at all.

The birth trauma of having to struggle on my own, terrified of suffocating, caused me to still have nightmares of being confined with the walls caving in to this day. Throughout my life I had reoccurring dreams about our elevator, which always broke in my dreams. The elevator never made it all the way to the top floor where I had to get out. It was always stuck in between the floors. Sometimes I walked up the stairs and the farther I walked up the more confined the staircase became. The walls became narrower, the ceiling became lower, and the air became very thick, hot and dusty. I must have had these dreams about 200 times throughout my life.

I highly recommend the underwater birth by Dr. Frederick Leboyer where the woman is standing up giving birth in warm water. I saw a fantastic documentary in 1996 in our Developmental Psychology seminar about the benefits of vertical births. For the woman to stand in warm water is ideal, because warm water is very relaxing which helps the body to allow a smooth and pain free birth process. The baby enters into the warm water when she is coming out of the birth canal. The warm water is the perfect intermediate step between womb and outside world. As soon as the baby comes out, the mother lifts her on the chest and holds her safely. The baby does not scream when she is happy and the lungs do not need the screams to breathe. In the documentary film the babies born under water were smiling in joy and stretching their arms and hands out in gleeful anticipation to touch their mothers.

If no warm pool is available then a birth standing up where the woman is being held on both sides, also works well. Critical is a warm room temperature, warmhearted people, classical music, and soft bedding and cushions. A supportive birth and infinite love for the baby is critical for the neuronal development of the child. When the child has developed primal trust through a safe environment as well as the womb environment, then he does not need to develop an Ego. The Ego is being developed only when it has to come in as a needed defense mechanism. Once we understand all those underlying mechanisms and the dynamics of Ego development, we will not need to judge people any longer. We will see the larger picture of it all.

All of the knowledge we have today was not available in the 60s. My mother had postpartum depression which also had not been investigated scientifically at that time. Postpartum depression is caused by a drastic change in hormones due to giving birth. Many women suffer from this change in hormones. My mother was not able to be very happy about the new baby because of the depression. At home she would often stand there at my baby bed looking at me with hollow eyes, pale, malnourished and sad. She admitted later that she was trying to get comfort from me, the infant. I recommend to women to hold the baby even if they feel depressed. Always remember that the baby's safety is the number one priority. This applies also to adoptive mothers who adopt puppies and human kids. The puppy's and the baby's needs are much more important than our own needs. Some puppies and some babies scream a lot and are hyperactive during the first months in their lives. It can be rough, but that is what one has to calculate in when we bring a new being into our lives. Our Great Dane Kenny for example is almost deaf, he can only hear a little bit out of one ear, the ear that has a black spot, and he can only hear very specific frequencies, not entire sounds. The hearing impairment is genetically connected to characteristics like albinism which is when an animal has no pigmentation, no coloring, and instead is all white or almost all white, often with red eyes. Kenny is almost all white and has very light blue eyes. It is also connected to intestinal sensitivities and in Kenny's case to Celiac disease which is severe gluten intolerance which can occur in animals and humans as well. When Kenny was a baby he was hyperactive and out of control, anything new to him he would investigate and shred apart. He would unravel the entire roll of toilet paper if we were not there to stop him. He did what babies usually do, be up at night, making poop and pee a lot and keep us awake. House training him was extra difficult and took much longer than with normal dogs. The training period lasted for about half a year, one has to be extra patient because the deaf dogs need much more time to learn. They also have neurological problems like excessive nervousness. Dr. Temple Grandin talks about this as well in her books explaining the fearfulness in albino pigs and cows. Like me, Kenny has always been afraid of the dark.

It is imperative that one is mentally stable before making this decision to live with an infant animal or human. Your baby needs to feel you physically to develop normally. It is very important that the mother carries the baby on her chest in a baby chest carrier wherever she goes, even when hiking or cleaning the house. Your baby will enjoy it just like the babies have enjoyed it being carried around for thousands of years. Babies don’t scream when they are on their mothers' bodies. They are deeply relaxed and happy. This applies to all mammals. If you find a newborn animal who is abandoned you have to do the same, you have to carry her or him around in a chest carrier bag or backpack. Never remove baby animals from their natural mothers. All of this information is critical for understanding what causes psychological pain, catastrophes caused by pain, loneliness, social inabilities, peer pressure, neurotic wants and needs and so on.

All mammal babies need their mothers or adoptive mothers to hold them and cuddle them most of the day in order for them to survive. Studies throughout the years, including the cruel tests done by Harry Harlow in 1959 prove this fact. Harlow and his associates studied the effects of social deprivation on rhesus monkeys. They stated: "Even three month of social deprivation left infants in a state of emotional shock. When removed from isolation, these pitiful creatures gave the appearance of being terrified by clutching at themselves, crouching, or burying their heads in their arms as if trying to shut out this strange new world. They also displayed such abnormal behaviors as self-biting, rocking, and pulling out tufts of their hair." During these studies monkeys in isolation died.

A biography about Mozart reveals that he left many of his babies (they had no birth control in the 18th century) with nannies who fed them but did not touch them. Not being held and cuddled caused the death of Mozart's babies. They called it "sudden infant death syndrome". People used to give birth to about 20 babies throughout their fertile years of life, but only about 2 of them survived and those were often severely traumatized.

Human as well as animal babies need constant handling, petting, and being held firmly. Sea otter infants at the marine biology research facility in Monterey, California, are being held and cuddled 24 hours a day by volunteer caretakers who at the night shift even sleep with them on water beds holding the babies on their chests. This permanent physical touch is crucial for their survival.

My mother tried to breastfeed me but her milk did not come out easily. So, after 2 weeks of breastfeeding she had the milk pumped out and gave me condensed milk from them on. To this day I like the taste of condensed milk because of this conditioning. However condensed milk is unhealthy and I don’t recommend it. Breastfeeding is absolutely important for the baby. It creates a strong bond between the mother and the child and the mother’s milk is the nutrition which the baby needs. It gives the baby all the nutrients for growing and wellness and it contains antibodies to fight off diseases. It is good to breastfeed the baby as long as the mother’s body produces milk and as long as the baby needs it and requests it.

My mother was overwhelmed with work in her household taking care of her mother who had cancer, and me at the same time. She also began working as a lawyer in her home office. My father did not help her. He is an architect and at that time he already had his own office with employees. He left her alone very often, sometimes for weeks at a time visiting different cities of architectural interest. My mother was very pale and depressed. After I learned how to walk I came into their bedroom needing my mother to comfort me every night. Sometimes she locked the bedroom door. I could not open the door and she did not respond to me crying. So I squeezed myself as tightly against the door as I could and tried to sleep there with my pillow and blanket. My mother regularly locked the hallway door so that I would be far enough away from my parent's bedroom door. She always left me apple juice from concentrate, cookies and chocolate. I remember this bittersweet feeling of finding the apple juice and sweets. I needed my mother and felt empty sitting there alone.

When I was just a few years old my parents left me for 6 weeks with a lady who my mother did not trust. When my parents came home from their vacation and picked me up, I had become very thin, had dark rings around my eyes, and was very sick. After those weeks I began to paint many eyes and every painting had lots of eyes looking at me, eyes were everywhere, some eyes had slits as pupils which I called "evil eyes". I remember sitting on my bed thinking about death. I was wondering how it must be like to be dead. I felt strange and scared. What happens when I die? When will I not be there any more? When will the suffering be over? I stared at the wallpaper which was rough with chunky pieces of fiber in it and I could see faces in the seemingly random pattern. I thought about my existence, why I was here and what the sense of all was, just like the existentialist philosophers did. I felt empty and ugly. I became scared of myself, of this >being alive<. Throughout my life I had those >sensation de déjà-vu< experiences, where you think you just have experienced something in the exact same way the second time. This is a sign of an overstressed nervous system.

My parents went on many vacations without me since I was born, always leaving me with different people. One of the nannies was very mean to me. She was only 16 years old and she came from a dysfunctional family with alcoholic parents. She felt free to do anything she wanted to do with me whenever my parents left. One time she took me to a party with loud music, cigarette smoke, alcohol and drugs. Many people handed me around laughing loud. On one of my parents' vacations the mean nanny and I were sleeping in my grandparents' guest bed. My nose was clogged and I snored. She took my pillow and blanket away from me as punishment for snoring. She stuffed the bedding into a cabinet up high under the ceiling. I cried, but nobody was there to help me. She smoked in bed and burned holes into the pillow case. When my parents, the mean nanny and I ate lunch at my parent's home I said to her with my forefinger wagging back and forth: "If this just keeps going on..." and my father was amused, not seeing the drama behind my statement. I said: "She must be beaten and burned." Everybody laughed except me.

　

Far Beyond Fame

Far beyond Fame are people who are at least as precious and sometimes even more so than famous people. Far beyond fame is a world that lives by itself through itself and beyond celebrities. Far beyond fame are people who have something to give. I was thinking of the lovely couple I have met who were traveling through Klamath, CA in 2011 and stopped at the Klamath River to see the whales. The lady is from the USA and her boyfriend from Germany. Those were the loveliest people I have ever met when petitioning to save the whales. Those 2 humans are pure and noble in character and beautiful inside and out. I don't know whether they are celebrities but I know for fact that they live for internal values. There was this natural respect for one another and for me. In my life it is rather unusual for me to receive natural respect. So I highly value people who offer this love. That is the world beyond celebrities.

Zoom in on the other side of humanity, on those who obsess about the fame society. What is going on here? Ego? It is the Ego, because many people want to mold themselves after celebrities hoping that then they will receive respect, love and recognition. Paul and I went to an actor's agency once in LA to promote Ludwig and Samantha, our Great Danes, for a fun commercial or movie. The agents saw us and asked us whether we resembled any of the existing stars in Hollywood. We said No. They said that they can only hire people who resemble stars in Hollywood. And we weren't even there for us. They didn't even listen to our request at all. They were like in a frenzy trying to find new actors who they thought would bring them money. This example is only a peek into society, its more or less a sample for this evaluation. Those types of people see themselves and others only in comparison to those who made it to fame. New faces are out of the game for them. This mindset leads to total stagnation and its a treadmill walk.

A few years ago our neighbor told us that a young girl, around 20 years old, who lived down the street from us, had died in the hospital because she starved herself to death. I had seen her not that long before when we went from house to house with a petition. I saw her in her garden and she was skin and bones with a very white face, bloodless, very shy and she could hardly talk, her voice was very weak. I felt so sorry for her. She was anorexic. Since then I have seen more cases like hers on the Internet. The anorexic people even have their own anorexia "rights" group called Pro-Ana. This group helps anorexic women and girls stand up to their "rights" to be thin and starve themselves to death. They even show pictures of thin women and portray it as good and desirable. They see it as noble and elegant. This is unethical. Where does anorexia originate? It originates a few decades back in time when the first super models like Twiggy, the little twig girl who was as thin and bony as a small twig, were photographed in haute couture magazines like Vogue. It was portrayed as noble and elegant and seen as if only very wealthy men had those girls as wives, because those models showed the haute couture or high fashion from fashion designers like Chanel. Calvin Klein took this whole fad to another even more dangerous level probably unaware of its consequences and only interested in where the current fad already was at and because of aiming at sales. They showed whole billboards in LA of young women and men in Calvin Klein underwear which was hanging half off the butts and the people were lying half dead under public toilets kinda like Heroin addicts. I looked at those billboards and was horrified. I knew what consequences that was going to bring on in our society of people who want to be liked. Today we have the knowledge about the consequences and any fashion designer who still promotes anorexia and very unhealthy life syles is making himself consciously a promoter of suicide. Particularly teenagers and very young people are the targets of this phenomenon.

Where does this mindset come from? Where does the endless comparison to stars come from? I believe that it comes from a deep rejection of a person's own self. People reject themselves a lot. The Messengers of Light talked about this also after the group session of touch healing at the Masonic Temple. They noticed that most of the people in the group were rejecting their own looks and character.

Why do many humans reject themselves or hate themselves? When a child is not loved and cuddled by the mother every day all day long for the critical 3 years and more of her life, then the child thinks unconsciously that she is a mistake, a cripple and a bad person unworthy of love. The child can not understand this in any other way. He can not see that the parents are neurotic. The child sees the parents as the tall, large caregivers and like gurus. The child does not question her parents' behavior usually until much later in life. This perspective of oneself as the bad person continues on in most people way into adulthood and into old age. It feels horrific and is a constant stressor to the entire body. It causes stress hormones and other stress related chemicals to be created by the endocrine system.

My friend Birgit had suffered her whole life of over 60 years from this particular internal stress that was caused by her mother's coldness to her when Birgit was a child. She learned early to make herself meek and mild to be liked and not be hurt ever again. She gave to others in abundance and generosity, she never complained, she never got angry, she put up with lots of bad things from others, always thinking that she has to be meek and mild, she held the other cheek, and she struggled for love her whole life. One day at the gynecologist she was diagnosed with breast cancer and in fear of dying she allowed the physicians to cut her open, poison her and radiate her so that she could neither sit down, lie down, nor stand up for weeks and she suffered psychologically and physically for years from surgeries and toxic treatments until her death.

When the mother is cold she is basically sentencing her child to life long torture. Self rejection creates complete helplessness. This helplessness creates the need to shape themselves after those who they believe made it to happiness. This process can be easily reversed once we recognize what we have done to ourselves. To clarify this on an example: When I met celebrity writer Derrick Jensen at the library where he was signing books I was struck down. Why would I be struck down? The only answer is: Because I didn't feel grounded within myself. The result was a cascade of miserable communication from my side, I even threw accusations. All because of my insecurity, of feeling meek, of feeling insignificant and helpless. (Whatever someone says to me, I still have to practice bodhichitta, the Buddha nature. I am the peace I want to see in the world no matter how others are acting).

As long as one is unconscious about certain emotions, mechanisms, reactions, associations and emotional pain, then an anti communicative behavior pattern emerges again and again. Its critical that one learns about oneself so that there is no baggage that can disrupt an honest communication. Making accusations, blaming, and insinuating is always Ego based and does not serve anyone, neither me nor others and it certainly will not educate others the way it was meant to educate. So whether it is a snappy reaction to a celebrity or a fanatic reaction, either way it is Ego based and pathological. In either way one tries to serve one's own Ego by either being offstandish or pleasing. Sometimes its both alternating. I have done it many times. Being offstandish is a temper tantrum, and being pleasing is wanting to be liked by a celebrity which in turn would lift a person up in their view of themselves. Both reactions are selfish. But just to suppress those emotions will not dissolve them. One has to first become clear about their existence. Its also important to not be afraid of standing strong as who we really are at the core, which is for example, as we are practicing this, not giving in to those Ego based reactions but instead to do nothing in that moment in terms of communication. Just stand there as you, not as someone who is offstandish nor pleasing. This can seem scary. It is the only way to dissolving the layers of denial, false beliefs, and the false idea of oneself. It feels good to do a friendly interaction with people. Nothing should be forced. Friendliness should be natural. But if its not natural its better to be neutral and observe what is happening in you while you are standing in front of a celebrity without doing or saying anything or saying something that is meant to be kindhearted in nature neither overly fanatic nor overly offstandish. Both forms are act outs and will not open up the inner wound for inspection. This is easy to say and not that easily done of course. It takes practice. We have to keep practicing it and we have to be patient with ourselves. When we succeed in just being ourselves as much as possible, we will get a glimpse into our mind, we will be allowed by our minds to be our own observers. Tears might come, allow them to show themselves, no need to feel ashamed. Whether others reject you for weeping or not is not important at all in this situation, what matters is that you allowed yourself a glimpse into the core of who you really are: The wounded child that is still there waiting to be released from the catacombs of the Ego.

I have an identification going on in my life with being the mentally ill family member, it evolved through a cascade of certain circumstances. I want to explain how this phenomenal inter-identification process occurs. I identified myself with this illness. This mental illness gave me my ownly self identification. I am ill therefore I am. Jiddu Krishnamurti talked about this in depth. What happens next is that other people see this outer picture but don't recognize the mechanism that stands behind it, they only see me as mentally ill and not as me actually causing myself to be ill through the self identification with the illness. So the others see me as this mentally ill person who can't break out of this continuous cycle. Several communicative interactions occur now with others. Some people are not very adapted to deal with my state of mind. Others deal with it better. And yet others utilize it as a form of psychological symbiosis or in the worse scenario, as a form of a parasitic relationship where the mentally ill person is the victim. All of this is usually a subconscious process in society. The person who utilizes my mental illness actually gains from me being mentally ill in specific forms which are all subconscious in nature. The person might gain from the situation of the other being viewed as mentally ill by maintaining a certain relationship to a doctor or psychiatrist for example just to clarify this with a simplistic and very common scenario: I have heard of mothers making their children sick with certain methods, drugs, behavior, food poisoning, in order to have an excuse to seek the hospital doctor and feel important as the mother who knew how to do the right steps in helping the child recover again from the illness. This phenomenon is called Factitious Disorder or Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy. Mothers have been convicted of this particular behavior, some have gravely endangered their children and even killed them. This is a highly subconscious self identification process that is very dangerous to others. In my case as a child it happened on a much more subtle level and through mental illness which is much harder to be investigated. I heard my mother say "I am so normal and you are so neurotic", she said that to someone else addressing this statement towards the person and me. I wonder whether the identification of us being mentally ill somehow verifies her identification of herself as "so normal". Again I ask the question what is normal, who is normal and who is not normal? Who makes those definitions? Certainly not me because if I was to make those distinctions I would suggest that I am a very creative person and a very strong minded person having meandered myself through the boggy and foggy chaos of society. Is normal someone who holds the other cheek? Or gives in to speciesism, racism and sexism? Or never questions their parents' behavior? Maybe that is normal because its the norm, but is it the ideal? Who uses that as an ideal? Not me. Should we say normal is desirable or should we instead say being who you really are is desirable? By desirable I mean desirable to you, not necessarily to others.

Another example of dangerous identification: My mother tried hard to teach me how to read the old clock and how to read way before I was developmentally ready for learning these tasks. She did this because of her need to identify with having a daughter who was highly intelligent and who was able to read before other children could read. If I had learned all of this right away it would have validated her as person. She would have had the identification with being a smart mother who has smart children. But in reality neither my brother nor I were psychologically ready to learn anything according to the regular readiness age. Both of us were late developing children but we were not developmentally impaired which is something different altogether. We have normal intelligence, we were just not ready at each given level when other kids were ready to learn certain things as Jean Piaget, Albert Bandura, Lev Vygotsky and Erik Erikson described the average human developmental stages. We developed slower. This has to do with a variation in DNA. We might have a longer life span which would stretch out a person's readiness for learning certain tasks to different points during a life span. This fact actually was an obstacle for my mother's unconscious motivation to make me learn even before the average time determined by developmental psychologists. Children want to please their parents. I was traumatized by my mother becoming severely frustrated with me which she did not express necessarily in shouting, but it expressed itself in her impatient voice, facial muscle movements, extreme disappointment, lots of paralanguage signs which a child notices right away. This trauma is the largest in my life, it has caused a severe insecurity in regards to my self image, it caused me to not be able to give presentations and it ruined my chance to finish my psychology study program. My whole life was turned upside down through this trauma.

I am not propagating to dwell on this because there are solutions which I will talk about. I was enrolled in first grade when I was 6 years old like other kids. My mother had the feeling that I was not ready yet due to her own observations trying to teach me how to read. She took me to a psychologist for an evaluation on whether I was ready or not. She should have trusted in her own observations and brought me to school at 7 or maybe even at 8. But she trusted in the "expert" advice. The psychologist did not see the clues of me not being ready for school. I was supposed to paint something, and since I have a very artistic brain and was able to paint before others could paint, she thought that was a sign of readiness for school. She should have tested more than just the art skills. She would have seen that I was not ready for learning other tasks like simple math and spelling or simply having a sufficient attention span.

Being enrolled in school too soon again caused another cascade of further complications. When I was 6 years old I came home from school hanging my head low because I had spelled every word wrong in a test. I thought that I was stupid and all the other kids were normal and smart. When my mother took the test book and inspected it she stomped her foot hard at the floor in the other room and screamed out "Do I have a retarded child?". This was according to Dr. Arthur Janov a Major Primal Scene. It was a huge traumatic event in my life. I wanted to die when she said that. I looked at the blue carpet under my feet which had some scars in it. I wished that the patched edges of the rug would tear open further, roll up, wrap around me and swallow me into the wall and into another dimension and away for good from this existence. For a child to feel something that drastic is a life altering trauma that totally rewrites history for that person. With an event like this one, a peak trauma, my neurons wrote a story that would cripple my personal mental unfolding. Thankfully it did not make me become retarded. But it crippled my path that I walked on. I am writing about this for my own clarification, sort of as a life review, but also to show others the dangers of training any individual, animal or human before her or his readiness, and in case of animals, when an animal is genetically not evolved to learn a specific task. I have seen people train animals to do activities which would normally not occur in the animal's natural surroundings. This can be traumatic for the individual and to this day I often feel weird, strange and inappropriate.

We have to become aware of our own psychological mechanisms so that we don't hurt others in their development. How do we become more aware? I highly recommend reading lots of literature on developmental psychology, self empowerment techniques like those taught by Tony Robbins, the books by Dr. Arthur Janov, Dr. Frederick Leboyer, Dr. Rufus May, the books by Jiddu Krishnamurti, UG Krishnamurti and Dr. David Bohm just to mention a few.

Meditation is highly important in order to become clear about one's own physical and emotional needs as well as the needs of other beings. It is important to not lock oneself away from society. It is highly important to find caring people to be friends with. We have to choose those friends wisely. You are in charge of accepting the friend. Don't only take the friend because she or he took you.

Jiddu Krishnamurti and Dr. David Bohm had numerous conversations in which they discussed the necessity of freeing oneself totally from egoic identifications. Their work helped me so much that I was able to work myself through a severe panic attack and come out of the other end not only without damage to my nervous system but enriched with new revolutionary thoughts, self empowered, and on the road to higher and higher goals which seemed at times in my life rather unobtainable.

　

Asperger's Syndrome, ADHD and difficult children

My former therapist Esther Odermatt from Switzerland told me that she would hold an angry child as tightly as possible so long until the child relaxes, even if the child kicks and screams and tries to run away. Because this is what the distressed child (also an adult) in this situation really needs. Dr. Temple Grandin, a scientist in the fields of animal psychology and autism, invented the squeeze chutes for animals and squeeze machines for people. Cows walk through enclosures which lead to the squeeze chutes in which a mechanism pushes both padded sides against the sides of the cow so that the cow relaxes and is not afraid to be handled and treated by the veterinarian. Dr. Grandin said that fear is what makes animals suffer the most. If fear is removed through the gentle squeezing of the cow just like being hugged by a large entity, then the cow, pig or other animal can relax and trust into the procedures. The same chutes are also used to relax the animals before entering into the slaughter facilities where metal bolts are shot into their brains which stun the animals immediately and they don't have to feel pain. Professor Dr. Grandin received an award by PETA for her outstanding work to completely dissolve the fear in farm animals. Today over 50% of US and Canadian farms use her methods. This is a huge step in the right direction. When 50% of all farm animals in the USA and Canada do not have to live in fear any longer then that is a revolutionary development in the area of animal welfare and animal rights.

Fear is the number one illness causing factor, it causes suffering psychologically and physically in animals and humans. I am hoping that by shedding some light on to the situation of stress in our society, maybe we can use all of those new approaches, Dr. Grandin's as well as those of others who aim at eliminating fear from all of our lives.

I highly recommend reading Dr. Grandin's books. She explains how she intuitively knew that the cow squeeze chutes would dissolve her own anxiety as well. She designed a squeeze machine for humans with a manual control to adjust the pressure so that the machine will move padded sides towards the body and press according to the pressure setting.

All of this confirms what my former therapist Esther Odermatt said. Squeezing the body reduces stress. That's why all of my rabbits and guinea pigs felt calm when I held them in my arms firmly but gently. I saw an interesting report on TV about a therapist who treats difficult children who scream and damage things. He teaches parents to restrain the child physically by letting the child lie down on his belly with his head on a soft cushion, holding his arms and hands in a firm grip behind his back, letting the child scream, holding him firmly and safely until he relaxes. It may sound drastic to a lot of people but it is not harsh at all. The child will feel safe and this firm hold will rewire the neuronal connections in the brain. Children in a hysteria can hurt themselves or others. This is the only safe method to make the child feel safe and relaxed. After the child calmed down the parents must hold the child in their arms, praise him and gently massage his head. I had many of those temper tantrum- and hysteria events during my childhood where I was in total despair and out of control physically and emotionally, but I did not have anybody who knew what to do in those situations. I tore my hair out and hit my head full force against the floor over and over again without anybody protecting me. This self damaging is done out of extreme despair, pain and helplessness. This is what the rhesus monkeys did and all animal babies who are living in cages and who are not touched.

One day when I was 5 years old I threatened my mother with a large kitchen knife and that’s when she took me to a neurologist and had an EEG done. The test results were negative, no indications of neurological malfunction. My father’s friend, a politician and professor, told my parents to take me to his wife, Anneliese Pestel, who was a child psychotherapist.

For the first parents interview with Anneliese my parents brought along a cardboard box containing hundreds of my paintings. One of the drawings was a very long skeleton assembled of about 10 pages taped together. I saw Anneliese twice a week for about 2 years, we played together in her play cellar and she wrote down her observations after every session keeping a journal of the therapy process. Anneliese allowed me to let go of all the emotional burdens and it felt so good for me to be with a warm hearted person who understood my feelings. I liked her right away and felt safe with her. Almost every time I played in her cellar my system relaxed and I had normal bowel movements. At home I was constipated from birth on because I was very tense and overwhelmed with psychological stress. She told me self invented and extra for me customized fairy tales which I could identify with. She sat behind the puppet theatre and let the puppets interact. My comments to the puppets told her much about my emotional injuries.

One day I came to the play therapy with my teddy bear and asked Anneliese if I could hide my teddy bear in her bed so that my brother Fabian could not touch him. I was so jealous of my brother that I did not want him to play with any of my toys. I thought subconsciously that my brother invaded my world and took over my possessions and eventually my identity. I had no identity at all and no sense of I existence. Because of that I had no feelings of self value and I felt vulnerable to further hurt.

Anneliese knew how I felt and at her place I had the freedom to do anything I wanted to do to express myself. I came to her to shed all hurt and humiliation from the outside world. I often came to the sessions exhausted and I hung over the swing with no motivation for life. Swinging lightly back and forth I spit on the floor because I had such strong disgust feelings almost all the time. Anneliese noticed that when I was extremely exhausted my left eyeball moved into the lower left corner of the eye. This is a sign of total physical and emotional exhaustion because it always occurred simultaneously with the lack of energy. I remember that this happened many times in my life. My friend Monika called it "crazy glance". I felt disoriented from pain and I was losing the coordination of my body movements. I felt very clearly that the physical symptoms like the eye ball movement, the facial twitching, and the facial muscle contractions caused by emotional pain, are all part of the exhaustion and lack of energy. A friend of mine showed me a video tape of Osho Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh, an Indian guru, who meditated a lot. I noticed that Rajneesh, too, had the symptom of the left eyeball moving to the lower left corner of the eye. I read in Mada's book that he was probably poisoned. He was most likely exhausted because his body was struggling with the food poisoning. Without his meditations he might have died much sooner. But maybe it could have also been suppression of feelings that caused his emotional and physical exhaustion to this extend.

Suppression of emotions in general causes stress and prolonged emotional stress causes disease. When a person is in emotional pain it can be very damaging to the nervous system and the whole health when he forces himself to think positively. It is like a violation to the body and the cells to force the state of emotion to change against its current state in particular when something in the surroundings strains the system. It acts like denial, lying and deception. The situation the person is exposed to has to change first before she will feel better. The person has to allow herself to express the emotions in talking, writing, weeping or even screaming in a safe and designated place. When a patient for example comes to the session in an overload of pain the therapist should not approach him with cognitive demands. The therapist should instead listen with compassion and recognize the patient's pain and needs. If the patient is overwhelmed with emotional pain he is often not able to cry or talk. If the therapist offers a warm embrace and the patient accepts this then the physical touch and embrace relaxes the patient and makes him feel safe to either feel better and sleep or to release the toxic emotions in crying. The therapist can also hold the patient's hand or just sit with him in silence for a while and offer tissues and tea. Most important is that the therapist offers warmth, compassion, and understanding. Only then the system can change its emotional state and better feelings and thoughts can take the place of the painful ones. It is impossible to skip the steps that precede positive thinking. Every step in the process of mental development is the foundation for the next step.

In the play therapy I never mentioned my Grandfather. Anneliese had a Sceno Box which is a sand filled open wood box in which the patient can set up a scene out of her life. Little toy animals, dolls, furniture, plastic plants, etc., belong to the Sceno Box which the patient can choose from to set up in the sand the way she feels like. I established my family in the sceno box and unconsciously left my grandfather out.

During some of my sessions with Anneliese in her play cellar I broke down crying and screaming with hate and anger that she got very worried. It is unusual for a 5 year old child to show such extreme emotions as hate and despair. I screamed and curled up into a fetal position. Always having the right intuitions she did not interfere and just listened to me with compassion. After the therapy session when she was back in her living room Anneliese called her friend who is a professor in Heidelberg, to ask him what to do when a child screams hysterically. He asked her whether she had read The Primal Scream by Dr. Arthur Janov. She had not heard about it. She bought the book, read it and was convinced that this was where her path was continuing into the future and where many questions would be answered.

Anger has always been a problem in my life and Anneliese let me experience every feeling I had. She never interfered, she never suppressed any of my anger. She assisted me and made the surroundings safe for my outbursts. When the environment is loving, caring and tolerant, feelings like to come to the surface. My anger came out like a tornado, I threw stuff at Anneliese, cursed at her, hollered at her, threw myself against her, squeezed clay into puppets' eyes to make their eyes look mean, and asked her if I could even throw the entire Kasper theatre down. Anneliese caught the theatre just in time to save it from breaking and to spare me devastation and guilt over my actions. She let me throw lots of Earth clay on the walls in a separate room where I could safely let out hate and rage until I sunk down in total exhaustion.

Anneliese had a short dog with long coarse hair, called "Muecke", which means mosquito. I identified myself with the dog. Muecke was jealous of me and growled at me when I wanted to pet her, I understood her feelings because I knew how jealousy felt and one day I said to Anneliese: "When an evil man comes in and shoots arrows into Muecke’s belly, you must not scream". Anneliese asked: "I must not scream when someone shoots arrows into Muecke’s belly?", "No, no, no", I said, "you must not scream, because then the police will come." Anneliese asked: "You don’t want the police to come?", I answered: "No, no, the police must not come, because they will ask who did this". What happened to me that made me say something like this? Who said to me that the police will come when I scream? When children say significantly disturbing things every therapist needs to become very vigilant. Such statements offer a glimpse into the deep unconscious which had been closed to the wake consciousness to protect the child from emotional pain. When a child feels safe to open herself up a bit to the therapist then those type of statements might surface. This situation needs to be treated with utmost delicate care. Any pressing for more information can make the child close up again and possibly lock her mind forever which has horrific consequences later on. It is critical to allow the child to freely talk about this by listening with deep compassion, understanding and love. The way Annelise interacted with me was correct. The therapist can only give gentle feedback and it is important not to change the subject. Give room for an unfolding of the story. One can later on invite the child to paint what is on her mind. You can also ask >how does it make you feel when this or that happens?< after a while of silence.

There is the possibility that I might have Asperger's Syndrome. I am highly sensitive in general, hypersensitive to bright light like neon lights and fluorescent lights which flicker. I can not handle loud noises. I can not tolerate coldness in humans and cold temperatures. My whole life we were given lots of candy made with white refined sugar. This resulted in ADHD, Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorder. In school I had trouble concentrating and sitting still. Refined carbohydrates like white sugar and white bread weaken the immune system and cause cavities. Almost all of my teeth had fillings and the filling material was amalgam, consisting of 50% mercury. Mercury is the second most toxic substance on this planet. Mercury also causes ADHD and a number of other nervous system disorders including Alzheimer’s Disease, depression and it can cause embryonic and fetal cell and brain damage. The use of amalgam is very limited in Europe, today, because of it’s toxicity. My mercury amalgam fillings often got pulled out by chewy, sticky candy, but it never came out in one piece. Instead it came out in lots of little pieces, sometimes pulverized, so that it got mixed into the candy and I swallowed it. We kids also received numerous vaccinations which also contain mercury and other harsh nerve damaging toxins. Statistics show a positive correlation between vaccine use and neurological disorders like autism. This means that the more vaccines have been administered to children, the higher was the rate of autism and other neurodegenerative disorders.

School was overwhelming and alienating for me. I did not talk, I sat there in some sort of trance and understood nothing. The other kids helped me with everything. They pulled out my notebooks, pens and crayons because I was so overwhelmed with this new classroom, the kids, the teacher, the noises of all kids, the smells, etc. I was scared of the children in my school class because they teased me a lot. When we were supposed to draw a princess I drew a skeleton in a princess dress while everyone else drew beautiful princesses. I did not even know consciously that I painted a skeleton.

I was living immersed in this frightening unconscious world and detached from the real world. Only Anneliese was able to establish a communication with me because she met me where I was which was in my unconsciousness. I did not like the way I looked. I wanted to look like the other girls. They were blonde, had long hair, red cheeks, they were strong built, they were happy and often chubby. They seemed to be loved and I envied them. My best school friend Steffi was very secure, happy, strong built, healthy, outgoing, socially capable, beautiful and lovable and I was very jealous of her. She was like my brother. Today I am still jealous of women with these characteristics: Strong built, self secure, socially adapted. I told Anneliese that there was a mute girl in my school class. I drew a picture of the mute girl. There were lots of circles and lines drawn over the mouth with black crayons. The girl was me but I was not consciously aware of it. I was alone in this world and it was clear to me that my mother did not appreciate me the way I was. I gave up on myself before I even had the chance to begin learning. I thought I will never succeed with anything. After every scolding and humiliation I retreated deeper into my unconsciousness and away from the world outside of my mind. Every humiliation erased more of my identity and sense of self until there was none left. It was emotional torture. This feeling was so horrendous, so bleak, so tormenting that it can not be explained with words. My drawings around that time portray this pain more clearly. I have asked my mother again and again why she has acted like this towards me when I was a child. My mother does not believe that she had done anything wrong. She has the ability to suppress information, data, memory in her brain, it goes to a back folder where it can sit dormantly and peacefully forever. I do not have this ability in my brain to suppress data and that is why I pushed my mother's and my grandfather's buttons a lot. Both of them have always suppressed information that was too painful to keep in the awake awareness. Today my mother is still in denial about my past because it would bring too much pain to the surface. For many people total awareness will not be reached during their lifetime. I have to accept this, but it is never too late, no matter how old someone is, to take baby steps towards awareness. As the persons who work on themselves we have to be very patient with those who are afraid to go where we are going mentally.

To stay friends with the old family is often a compromise situation. We can't expect too much from them when they are too afraid to work on their own emotional problems. All we can do is work on ourselves regardless whether others understand us or not. If others hate our going-within work then we can move somewhere else and give the family or friends a break.

In my school class were kids with freckles. I was jealous of them and I wanted freckles, too. As in so many occasions I did not accept the way I looked. I wanted to look like the other girls. I wanted the other physical characteristics because I rejected myself. So at home I painted large freckles in my face and went like that to school. Naturally the other kids were amused and I was embarrassed. My teacher saw my freckles and asked me to walk to the front of the class. She took me in her arms and had a touched and loving expression on her face. She said something nice to me and to the class, like >look at the sweet little freckle girl<, but I was ashamed because I knew that I was kidding myself with these ridiculous and artificial freckles. The kids laughed and I felt humiliated. Children who did not get the love and care they needed often tend to hate themselves, which can result in rejecting themselves, rejecting their own bodies, envy, jealousy and coveting for the rest of their lives. (Dr. Arthur Janov talks about these mechanisms).

When I was 7 years old I had a remarkable dream, it was one of many nightmares I had when I was growing up. I dreamed that Arto, my grandparents' Great Dane, split in two parts. One half was dead and the other half had to walk on crutches. Salvadore Dali’s paintings influenced this dream. The half Arto looked like one of Salvadore Dali’s giraffes who had long legs, walked on crutches and who was partly liquefied. My unconscious portrayed me as Arto. I was partly liquefied, a dissolving person and half a human. I totally identify myself with the song Halber Mensch (half a human) by the German punk rock band Einstuerzende Neubauten.

Only at Anneliese’s place I felt loved. And, all of the sudden, everything made sense. I painted ghosts on newspapers and we threw them into the fire place. I laughed in joy when the charcoaled "ghosts" flew up into the chimney and out of the roof. I hollered: "There they go out of the roof, all the horrible ghosts." It was a cathartic cleansing experience. Burning things destroys all the germs, viruses, and bacteria, and charcoal has always been used to disinfect food, tools, dishes, and medical equipment. For thousands of years religions have been practicing burning ceremonials to clean physically and, as they believed, mentally. I said to Anneliese: "When I feel bad in the future, I would only have to think of us burning the ghosts, and I would feel good again".

I was supposed to go back to first grade when the other kids entered second grade. Again I felt unable to ever succeed in life. I was so ashamed and I felt crippled. I did not want to stay with this other first grade class. I ran back to the second grade classroom and into the arms of my warm hearted teacher. I liked my teacher from the second grade and wanted to be with her.

My parents enrolled me into the Waldorf school which is based on Anthroposophy and founded by Rudolf Steiner. I am a huge fan of Rudolf Steiner and I read his book about biodynamic farming which I highly recommend to every person. However I am not an Anthroposophist. The Waldorf school accepted all children including the ones who were late developers which again made me feel like a retarded person.

The Waldorf school had 40 students in one classroom while the public school had only 20 students. My own experience showed me that having more than 10 children per classroom makes education and communication very difficult. Children become distracted with too many other classmates. The teacher can not give enough attention to each individual child. The children in the Waldorf school class were even bolder and more aggressive than the children in the public school which created a toxic environment for kids with Asperger's Syndrome or any highly sensitive person.

The positive side of Waldorf education: Children learn about biodynamic agriculture and gardening. Biodynamic is the highest world standard for organic plant growing. Children learn how to work with natural materials like pure sheep wool, wood, Earth clay, natural paint made out of plants, clay made out of beeswax, etc. Children learn about classical music from first grade on, they learn about Eurythmia which is a form of harmonious body movements accompanied by piano and poetry, and they learn how to play classical music instruments. Every child learns how to play a wooden recorder flute and a handheld harp.

The negative side of Waldorf education: Too many children are in one class which makes sensitive children like me feel left out, helpless, overwhelmed and defenseless. The teachers were at least during my school time often unqualified, the education is strongly influenced by Christianity, they don't offer sex education, the children don’t learn about the dangers of sexually transmitted diseases, they don’t learn about precautions, birth control nor their own psychology. children are not given scores on how they pass tests, they have no psychological incentives for learning and the information is not presented in a practical way to make sense.

Just as in the public school I hardly heard anything the teacher said. I was spaced out most of the time. The teacher read to us old tales and sagas from Rome and Greece which contained many different gods and heroes. Nothing made any sense to me even when I listened. My parents, who are nonbelievers, enlisted me into the alternative class which was called Values and Norms and even in that class we were taught stories from the bible. Nothing made sense to me and I felt helpless, but I never was able to question the validity of anything. I just thought that I was incapable and I never questioned adults. Sometimes between the classes I would stand by the window in the hallway, my eyes were just slightly above the bottom of the window so I could look outside. Everything became dark, and I could hear a sound that came from within my head. It was a sound like a truck driving over me, a very deep and loud sound. I felt dizzy, overwhelmed and my eyesight became darkened, blurred and diffused. I must have been close to losing consciousness. I remember this happening several times, always connected with the emotion of total helplessness and lack of meaning. Mercury in dental amalgam fillings or vaccines, other toxins like pesticides and other toxic chemicals in pharma medicine cause blurred vision, dizziness and neurodegenerative diseases. Mercury, pesticides and other harsh toxins need to be banned worldwide.

Jealousy and envy is mental torture. I did not consciously know about my feelings which is a situation that made the suffering extreme. I barely enjoyed anything and I only stared at the other girls. I hated myself and I felt disgusting. I was so jealous of my brother that I hit him and fought with him many times. One time I pushed him down on the ground because he interfered in a game I was playing with a friend. He fell asleep and woke up with a terrible headache and he vomited. He must have fallen on his head which caused a concussion. He was brought to the hospital where he was recovering for a while. I was so sorry and scared, I did not want him to be hurt and I felt like a bad person. I asked my mother every day hundreds of times: "Do you still love me?" and "Who do you love more, Fabian or me?", "Would you still love me if I murdered someone?", "Are you mad at me? Don't you love me anymore?", and my mother answered annoyed: "Yessss, I love you! Come on now, leave me alone, I am busy." I wrote on many paper sheets probably a hundred times "I love you, Mami", and I pasted the sheets together to make a long chain of paper sheets. I threw myself on the floor screaming, I tore my hair out and pounded my head on the ground. I wanted to make my mother see how much I was hurting, so she would feel sorry for me and hold me in her arms. My temper tantrums provoked the opposite. She resented me for doing this. The angrier I became the less she felt sorry for me, which made me angrier and so on. It was a vicious circle. The hatred I felt as a little girl was shocking. I felt emotionally violated. I felt rejected and desperate for love and I wanted to force my mother to see how much I was hurting.

One day a boy from my school class came up to me and rubbed his sandwich into my hair, smearing the butter all over my head. I was horrified and so disgusted that I ran home fast, threw my backpack on the floor, tore off my clothes and dove into the bathtub. I washed my hair in extreme disgust and desperation. My mother got mad at me for acting hysterically.

Every time I came home in despair and crying about the other kids and what they did to me, she would say: "You must have done something to provoke their reactions". I always felt like I should be ashamed of being alive. It was extremely cruel of my mother to talk to me like this but she was not aware of it. She thought it was the right thing to say. She did not realize that I was a child needing confirmation of her love. She did not realize that I was not able to be above those things like she was. I needed her to be on my side.

I met a woman later, Simone, who told me that she also was bullied as a little girl, but her mother had a different approach: Her mother told her to punch the kid who was bullying her as hard as she could. That's what she did and ever since she hit back the whole class respected her. Not only did the kids respect her but she respected herself from then on. She was a very confident woman when I met her. Those childhood moments are crucial for all further development. Mothers and fathers must understand that children need them to be on their side emotionally and not give them moral lectures. I regret very much that I did not hit back when I was bullied. Kids who were bullied over and over again without any emotional support can grow up to become very mentally ill like the kid in the car, the movie theatre shooter, the Connecticut shooter, the Columbine High school shooters, etc. Many teenage girls and boys have committed suicide because they were bullied. If the emotions are continuously suppressed, if there is no safe outlet at all and they get instead even more rejection from society and caretakers, it is just a matter of time until the tension has built up to the point where the feelings can no longer be retained. The constant humiliation, rejection and harassment can cause immune dysfunction, depression, suicide and homicide.

Caregivers must be compassionate to the victims of bullies and give them love and support and build up their self esteem. All schools should offer individual therapy and group therapy for the students so that they can address the bottled up emotions and release the anger feelings in a safe environment. Feeling unempowered is the lowest level emotion and can cause death. Schools should have mandatory classes teaching children and teens about social psychology, what happens when children are being bullied, how that makes them feel, how it can affect their lives and how to deal with bullies. Victims as well as bullies can learn about their own psychology, what caused them to become like that and how to make peace with one another.

I strongly admire and recommend the Vipassana meditation by S. N. Goenka which is used today in prisons all over the world. Meditation teachers offer this meditation for free almost everywhere on the planet, one does not have to drive that far to get to the next Vipassana meditation course. It is free of charge as S. N. Goenka has requested it to be for all people who want to attend. Its based on donations only. This meditation practice should be taught in all schools not only as an optional curriculum but as a mandatory course for all students in order to help the victims as well as the bullies, also to help the parents become more aware of themselves and their children, and to help the teachers become aware and become more understanding of their students' needs.

The King County North Rehabilitation Facility (NRF) was the first correctional facility in North America offering Vipassana courses with very much success, other prisons followed into their footsteps with equal success including the San Bruno jail in California and the W.E. Donaldson Correctional Facility in Bessemer, Alabama. This meditation practice in prisons is a revolutionary breakthrough in really helping people. Empowering people, making them feel much better about themselves and showing them their inner potentials is the path to peace. Oprah Winfrey recommends Vipassana meditation. There are documentary films on YouTube about the success of the prisoners freeing themselves from their emotional pain through Vipassana in the Alabama prison, in other US prisons as well as in prisons in India.

Towards the end of the play therapy Anneliese had onions growing in pots near the window. I tore the onions out of the soil and peeled the outer layers all off. I planted them back into the soil and said to the onions: "Please grow back". I repeated that process a second time at another visit. The onions were the symbols for my own mental stability and I wanted them to be stronger than the assault that was done to them, just as I unconsciously wished to be stronger than the hurt that was inflicted on me by my grandfather and unknowingly by my mother with her impatience and judgments towards me.

Anneliese helped me a lot to relax and make sense out of life. My healing was not finished and as Anneliese wrote at the end of her book: "Betty and her parents are still looking ahead onto a long, narrow path." She did not promise us a perfect life without problems, and she told my mother that when I enter into puberty new waves of depression can roll over me and cause me to suffer very much. She was right.

　

　

Mental illness, OCD and weird experiences

On a vacation in Kenya when I was 11 years old I got infected with Salmonella from drinking a soda in a restaurant. The same night I woke up from one of the worst nightmares I ever had. I dreamed that I was in deep space, all alone, nothing under me, next to me or above me far away from planet Earth. Floating alone in space into eternity until I die. It was total isolation. Nothing, nobody was there to touch me or hold me. The only thing I had was a red telephone. I called my mother on Earth. We were so far apart from each other. The telephone was terrifying to me. It was only this cabled connection. It was eerie and alienating. I woke up soaked in sweat, trembling and screaming. I went into the bathroom and saw a horrible monster which looked like a greenish reptile and human hybrid. I ran outside the hotel room door to my parents' door. I hammered on their door screaming in fear. My mother came out angry and annoyed. I told her that there was a horrible monster in the bathroom. She looked into the bathroom, saw nothing, and told me to quit being hysterical again. I shivered and told her that my head hurt and that I was sick in my stomach. She went back to bed. A few hours later in the morning, she came back to wake us up and saw with horror that I had not exaggerated. I was soaked in sweat, shivering, vomiting, and screaming in agony. After a couple of days suffering I told her that I wanted to die to make that pain go away. She tried different medications and nothing worked. They finally found a physician among the hotel guests who immediately saw what was wrong, he said that I had a salmonella infection which could have killed me if I was not treated. The fever had risen to a dangerous level and the bacteria were multiplying. He gave me a strong antibiotic and within hours the fever, the nausea, and the pain in my head was gone. I was very thirsty, thin and had not eaten anything since it started. I was so grateful to the doctor who helped me.

　

When I was 13 years old, I fell into the deep depression already foreseen by Anneliese. I thought I was too tall and thin. So I ate lots of chocolate and lots of food with fats in it. I forced myself to eat up to 400 grams of chocolate every day to become fat. I wanted to change the way I looked. I wanted the fat to cover up my thin bone structure. I even pulled my shoulders up so that my neck would disappear and I walked very slowly. People in my school were shocked to see me transforming. All of the sudden I was less rejected by the other girls. They noticed that I was peaceful within myself which made them respect me more. The guys picked on me but it did not bother me anymore, because the fat made me feel less vulnerable. I liked to be the >chubby pig<, which they called me. I wanted to become a part of the Earth, like a blob of pink skin, which would blend into the ground. I wanted my whole body to merge into fat and I made drawings about this where I painted masses of pink. I wanted to become evenly merged with the Earth. I wanted to be non sexual and I wanted to be seen as a chubby baby. I did not want to be a woman because being a woman was very terrifying to me, it felt like being a loser, it felt like being invisible and vulnerable, it felt like having no identity. I know today why I felt like that: Being me and thin meant being unloved. My brother, the girls in my class, my best friend, all were stronger built and chubbier. It appeared to me that they were loved. They looked cute and I thought they were not vulnerable. I wanted to look like my brother as a baby and I wanted to be cute, loved and not vulnerable. I drew fat horses, fat people, fat pigs and fat squares. I wanted to be a fat square, slightly rounded at the corners. I gained about 65 pounds within 3-4 month.

My case might be rather on the extreme side, but I want all men to know that we women, let’s say most women, have not had it easy, just like you didn't have it easy. Regardless whether we are rich or poor, most people did not have the chance in their childhood to establish full primal trust. We did not have this love given to us which would have made us trust in ourselves. By absence of love I don't mean necessarily coldness, what I mean is the inability of a parent to intuitively feel her child's needs or know how to handle the child. It usually is an unintentional absence of love. True love is when the parent is also in total harmony with herself or himself which happens only to very few humans in complete form. Which again happens when the persons had the opportunity to establish primal trust themselves when Their parents had given them true love and so on. But even if we had not been able to establish primal trust, we still can heal later on with meditation, mindfulness, art, creativity, going within ourselves, empowering ourselves and becoming our own observers who question things.  

When you are a teenage boy or an adult man, please understand that "the women" out there are not just the women, seductive toys, or pleiadian fairies or something like that, no, they are living beings like you, they have difficulties often like you have, they have insecurities like you have, they have needs, too. When you understand that the girls in your school class are alive like you are, that they are breathing, feeling, often struggling beings like you are, then you will understand that each of them is an individual with individual issues, fears, likes and dislikes.

If you like one of them in particular, the only way to get to know her and possibly date her is through giving her your undivided attention, love, kindness and caring. Not out of Your need for her, but out of your Caring for her wellbeing. Dating is not a bargaining of any sort. Dating should be done out of love for the other being, out of giving and not out of taking. The kid in the car could only see his viewpoint of "being rejected" by the girls. He could not see the girls as individual beings who have needs, too. When we don't see the other being, animal or human, as an equally feeling and living individual then expectations arise as for example a horseback rider will expect the horse to perform for him. He forgets that the horse is his own living being, he lives for his own purposes, not for being ridden by someone. A human girl is also her own living being, she does not exist to perform for a man, she exists for her own purposes, she decides what to do in her life, going to school, learning, graduating, having a dog instead of a child, or having one kid, or having a dog and a kid, whichever she decides, this is not done for any man. Women want sexual pleasure, too, they want to date when they want to date and They decide who to date and who they feel comfortable with. They are not sitting there to be picked up like merchandise on a shelf. If you are in love with a girl, please understand that You are the one who has to give the love. If I talk to a woman in this regard I will tell her the same thing, that when she is looking for romantic love then She is the one who has to give and not request. I am not being partial. If I want a man I have to give love. We should all recognize that we all should give true love to All individuals, animal or human. You give gentle kindness to your dog, child, woman or man, without needing anything in return. Just because we are in a romantic relationship does not mean this is some type of deal. It is still another living being who wants to be loved. I can not undo the past. When I saw the video of the kid in the car talking in the ultimate state of revenge, the kid in the car and other kids were already dead and many injured in hospitals. But what I Can do is write to you all in this book. I wish deeply that I find a publisher so that as many people as possible will read what I have to say.

No matter what relationship we are engaged in, may it be a romantic one, a business encounter, even when someone meets a hooker, no matter what the situation is, there is still another living breathing and feeling being in front of you who feels like you and who has the same needs as you have. Nobody should ever be mistreated psychologically nor physically. Women want to be understood and listened to. They don't want a man to "impress" them with dangerous car stunts driving over potholes with high speed or stuff like that. Women want to cuddle and be cozy. Many women want men who look cozy rather than "tough". The typical peer pressure look of the Hollywood norm is not what most girls want when they are really honest with themselves. I personally like relaxed, loving and peaceful men with long hair and chubby looks.

When I was a teenager I had BDD, which stands for Body Dysmorphic Disorder. I desperately wanted to cut 10 cm, about 6 inches out of my legs right above the ankle. I thought my legs were too long. I had visions and dreams about chopping the pieces out with an axe and sticking the feet back on the leg where it was cut off. In my dreams it would not grow back on. Instead the blood and lint would clot together into a dirty surface. Thank goodness I never actually did this.

I heard of people wanting leg amputations in recent years, but that is caused by a body representation disconnection in the brain which is actually a neurological disorder and not a psychological disorder. Dr. Vilayanur Ramachandran at UCSD explains in detail which parts of the brain are disconnected in regards to this neurological damage.

I realize that for me to have suffered from this drastic rejection of my body I must have been emotionally very hurt. To the outsider my life looked like there was nothing wrong, my parents are very nice people, they mean well, the gave my brother and me whatever we needed financially. However, a psychoanalyst would recognize all of those different behavior patterns of my parents which highly interfered with my brother's and my emotional development. Very subtle emotional pressure can set completely different rails for the life of the child: Expectations of the child, parents' Egos needing the child to fulfill their needs, disappointment about the child and sexual thoughts about the child as well as sexual abuse. All this is highly damaging to the growing person. The same causality between negative behaviors of parents and the mental illness created in the kids applies to animals as well. Animals can never talk about it. They express pain in body language. It is absolutely important that all humans work on themselves as much as they can to prevent unconsciously hurting others.

I later realized that my life was like a wrong sewn dress. There is this joke about a normal person who went to a tailor. The tailor sewed him a suit and made bad mistakes. The suit was cut and sewn totally wrong. The customer accepted the suit because he did not want to offend the tailor. He wore the suit and figured out a way of making the suit fit in bending himself into a bizarre posture. He appeared in public in this suit and everyone who saw him said: "The poor cripple but he sure has a good tailor". I want to tell everybody to never ever to lie to themselves. Never kid yourself, always admit everything and confront yourself with your faults whatever they are. I know it hurts but it hurts much worse not to face reality. Allowing yourself to realize the truth is the only way to health and freedom.

My parents took my brother and me to Connecticut, New York for a summer vacation. A friend of my parents loaned us their house for 3 weeks. I felt alienated because I was in no shape for any changes in my surroundings. I was way too vulnerable. The house was cut very similarly like my grandparents' house in Germany. One night I sleepwalked out of the room and I really thought I was in my grandparents' house. I took my suitcase and stuffed my pillow into it sitting on the floor next to the stair railing. My mother woke up from the noise I made and angrily asked me why I was packing my suit case. I woke up and was still in a fog. The criticism hurt very much and I thought again that this somehow was my fault and that I was wrong for what I was doing even though I was sleepwalking. I should have just left then and there and moved to California. But I was just a teenager and not courageous enough to make it on my own.

When I was 16 I left the Waldorf School where I did not like most teachers and classmates. I enrolled into the last all girls school that existed. They made me go to one lower school class level than the one I had attended in the Waldorf School, because the Waldorf School and the public school education levels were not equivalent. I felt so much safer in the girls school because I hated being surrounded by males. Men and boys always made me feel very insecure. It seemed to me like girls in general acted a lot nicer when they were not around boys. They seemed more supportive of each other.

I struggled with men for love. A lot of people who were depleted early in their lives struggle for love later in their lives because their systems are trying to keep a state of homeostasis, which means that they struggle with an unloving boyfriend, husband, or an unreachable person, just like they struggled with their mothers who were not able, for whatever reason, to fulfill their needs when they were the most vulnerable. Homeostasis is the state of equilibrium and in this case between the outside and the inside of the brain. (Dr. Arthur Janov explains it in his books). As long as they struggle in their present time like they did in their past, their systems keep their equilibrium and they don’t have to feel the pain from the past. If they let someone give them what they desired then the pain from the past would come up into consciousness and the homeostasis would be disrupted. Sado/Maso behavior is based on this principle. Receiving real love would make the old void and struggle for love visible. It is like highlighting a sentence in a paragraph. Most people have this type of emotional defense mechanism to protect themselves from pain. This is an automatic, and completely unconscious mechanism.

This pain can be healed through totally natural and holistic measures. The first step is to stop right where you are, look around you, become aware of your situation and ask questions. Who are you associating with? Who do you want to be with? Why do you want to be with them? Ask all of those questions. What do you want from those people? What do you want from the blonde chicks in your school? What do you expect them to do for you? Become aware, step by step, what all of that means for you. Go inside of yourself and investigate. Become your own observer said Jiddu Krishnamurti. Step away from the entire scenario and take a look at it from further away, then you will see that this situation is unnecessary and the suffering you endure is unnecessary as well. Give love in form of kindness and understanding to the girl you like. It is what Tony Robbins said to a client: Give to the other person regardless whether the other person gives to you. Giving is not a deal. Giving is donating love. Donating anything is never a deal where one gets something in return. Giving is unconditional. At the same time, don't struggle with someone for love, don't buy love. You can Never buy love. So give love and then don't worry about whether it is going to be returned to you.

The animal friends, school, OCD and BDD

　

The beauty in my life were the animals: The Great Danes, the rabbits, the guinea pigs and the horses. I always loved to cuddle with the animals and smell them. Every species smells differently and they all smell very good. I let the guinea pigs sit on my belly. They liked being close to my body and they always sang their songs of contentment. Guinea pigs living in the wild places in South America are very nervous because of hawks and other predators hunting them which causes them to move forward in very abrupt, jerky and jolted movements. They are terrified when they leave their underground caves. I asked myself the question: Are they happy in the wild? Certainly happier than in a laboratory but not happy like they should be. Every being on Earth deserves to be happy. I had 3 guinea pigs in my 20s living with me in my bedroom when I still lived with my parents. I spent a lot of time with each guinea pig kissing them, cuddling them, and letting them sleep next to me under the blanket which they loved because it gave them the feeling of being in a cave. Each guinea pig would make happy sounds when they were hanging out with us, on our chests, or in bed with me, they would chirp like a bird, they would whistle, they would sing to me songs of love and they were all very relaxed. They walked curiously around the room and sometimes they would jump up out of happiness. They grew up with love and knew nothing else. That is the paradise which I am talking about. Every being on Earth or in the eternal universe deserves to live in a paradise, free from fear and knowing only unconditional love. All beings need lots of gentle physical touch.

When I was in the high school years I fell into a deep depression and made myself heavy again on purpose so that I would not be lighter weight at age 21 than at 13. This was a very bizarre reasoning and came from completely unresolved problems. The depression became so horrible that I decided to commit suicide and jump from a high rise building. I vacuumed my parents' home, wrote farewell letters to my parents, my brother, Anneliese, my aunt and uncle. I rode my bicycle to the high rise building which was a hotel with a spa in the 20th floor where I had been several times before. This spa usually had one balcony door open. I was standing in front of the building deciding whether to drop the mail in the mailbox near the building. I went towards the entrance, looked up and became very scared. I did not drop the mail in and rode my bike back home. Instead I drank beer with my boyfriend who said to me "They developed such high technology and they flew to the moon, why haven’t they created a medicine for depression which works?" It was nice of him to say that and he comforted me very much.

In school I was friends with a gay woman who cared about me. She was the first woman in my life who did not compete with me. She listened to my problems and seemed to really understand me. It was just a friendship without romantic love and I began to feel safe. I was beginning to find my own real values. I am very grateful to my best friend Katja for the caring and love she gave me which I needed so desperately at that time in my life. Without her I may not have graduated from high school. I began to wear only men's clothes and adopted my father’s whole seventies wardrobe because I felt safe in it. My new caring girlfriend and I helped my aunt and uncle in their stamp business during the auction time. We brought customers the stamp collections to look at before they bidded in the auction. I was happy to be friends with her. She had already quit smoking and was a very positive influence on me. She helped me realize that smoking was disgusting, unhealthy, out of style and smelly. She never struggled with me about anything. She let me be the way I was which helped me more than any other cognitive approach.

My grandfather kept on tearing down my new self esteem. He would say: "What are you doing all day long?", or: "You walk like a man, can’t you walk like a woman?", or: "Do you shave your face?". My grandfather yelled and screamed at me sometimes whenever I disagreed with him. His voice sounded scary and became like the girl’s voice in the Exorcist. He often slammed his fist on the table and all dishes and silverware flipped up and clapped together. I was so intimidated to the last day I saw him that I never defended myself. Instead I tried to tell him what I thought he wanted to hear with a very timid voice. The more timid I was the meaner he became. He would ask me to visit him for coffee time. It’s a tradition in Germany to visit with the family for coffee and cake in the afternoon. Once I sat at the coffee table he interrogated me about my life. He wanted to know what I do on a daily basis so that he could find faults and bully me. Once he found "faults" he would judge me about it in a very humiliating way. One day at the coffee table he told me that he had thrown all of my art work presents in the trash. It was an emotional hit in my stomach and I felt sick. I glanced at his book shelves and saw my brother's presents neatly organized sitting there and none of mine. My brother and I were about to go on different road trips at the same time. My grandfather gave my brother money for his trip and I got nothing because I am a woman, because he hated women and he hated me in particular. When my grandfather felt like he was making my father angry about the way he treated me he would give me money but he insisted with a harsh voice that I must tell my parents about the money he gave me. At the end of the coffee time I would break down crying. When I complained to my parents about the way he treated me they were never on my side. They would just say: "Why in the world are you visiting him then?" I said I needed to be with Alto the Great Dane. They blamed me for spending time at my grandfather’s place and they did not understand that I needed the dog. One time my father got mad at my grandfather and told him that I was suicidal to which my grandfather replied: "I didn't know about this, why don't you all tell me about those things that are going on?" He was angry not because of me suffering but because nobody has told him, because he had been left out of this discussion, because he felt entitled to know every personal detail about everybody.

In 1991 my pre psychotic boyfriend and I moved to Berlin where I began the psychology studies at the University. I commuted back and forth between Hannover and Berlin so that I could take my grandfather's Great Dane, I called him Mausespeck, to the holistic practitioner for his cancer treatments. During one of my weekends back in Hannover where I took care of the dog, the pre psychotic man had a full blown psychotic episode. He thought that my South American plant, a soft haired cactus with thick succulent leaves, was mocking him. He took it and slammed the pot with the plant in it on the kitchen floor. The pot cracked into two parts and the plant went into an immediate shock. It looked pale and dead and I cried deeply. I was very scared of the psychotic man. He ran out of the house without keys, without a bag and without a jacket. It was cold outside, about 28 degrees Fahrenheit. I left the door to my apartment open so that he could come back anytime. I could not sleep all night long. He came back and said everything was fine now. He was talking very fast and excited about crazy things. Then he said it was coming up again. He said it felt like he was in a compulsion, that he was drawn into walking off again. He called it Zugzwang which means train compulsion. It was a drive compulsion type of feeling. He hated that feeling and he said that he wanted to commit suicide. He grabbed his jacket and bag this time, ran out of the door and I ran after him. We ran to the train stations, jumped into trains and out of trains, on and on until I snapped. I pleaded with him to calm down and asked him if he still loved me but he just ran off with a strange smirk on his face. I finally told him that I was also going to commit suicide. I stopped running after him and stepped back. I walked back where I came from to board the train which lead me back to my apartment. He calmed down and followed me and in the train I told him that he needed Primal Therapy. The psychotic man and I went back to Hannover and nobody believed me that he was in an acute psychotic episode. Only my brother was very scared who sat up in his bed all night long listening to every sound that came out of my room where the psychotic man and I tried to sleep. I asked the psychotic man not to hurt me. He said he would not hurt me. All of the sudden he slammed his fist on the lid of a cookie jar. Next morning he went to talk to my parents in the kitchen taking the cookie jar with him. He told my parents that the cookie jar contained his entire life. He opened the lid and pulled out the little items that I had been storing in it. All these items were things in his life. His life was "verschachtelt" like this box. Verschachtelt means intertwined within a box. Instead of getting worried my parents thought it was funny, witty and lyrical. They were amused about his remark that his life was boxed up and intertwined like the cookie jar and its contents. The same day his mother called us on the phone crying about her son who had just run out naked with his guitar around his shoulder. It was below freezing outside and she needed our help. My father called a psychiatrist who he knew and made an appointment for the psychotic man. Mother and father of the psychotic man caught him with a lot of difficulty, dressed him and moved him into her car. They picked me up to go with them and to show them where the office was. The psychotic man made a big scene in the waiting room at the psychiatrist. He took flowers from a vase, rolled them up into a newspaper and ran out hollering: "I wish you all a good crash." The psychiatrist told them to take the psychotic man to a psychiatric hospital. The psychotic man’s brother had already been living in that same hospital for 8 years and his mother cried. I was relieved when I came home knowing that the psychotic man was locked up and I fell into a long and deep sleep.

The psychology study program started and I lived in Berlin by myself. It was lonely and difficult for me but better than with the psychotic man in my life. I learned in a statistics book that there are no coincidences and that everything is cause and effect. I thought about this for a long time. Cause and effect trace back in time and space into eternity and way beyond our ability to measure it. Nothing is random. I was so grateful that I could visit my friend Heidi who was the absolute best yoga teacher I have ever had in my life. Going to Heidi was giving me a connection to Berlin that was very precious for me. Heidi was like a spirit guide for me and I called her sometimes in Berlin when I was very lonely. She was always there for me and always listened to me with compassion and gave me good thoughts and wisdom. Heidi is a very noble and calm teacher for me and her whole family is noble and kindhearted, they all love dogs and modern art and they allow art to dominate every room in their house and gallery. That is how my parents live as well and that is how I will always live.

In 1992 I flew to LA to begin Primal Therapy. All people welcomed me with open arms calling me Betty. I told them that my real name was Nicola. Esther, my therapist from Switzerland helped me a lot and much of my pain was released which felt very good. After 3 months I went back to Germany to file for a visitor visa. With feverish longing for Mausespeck I looked down from the airplane as we descended in Amsterdam because it already looked like Hannover. I could not wait to see my lovely Mausespeck, my best friend at that time. Mausespeck had become weaker but was still very happy to see me and I wrapped my arms around him and buried my face into his fur. Mausespeck and I listened to Mozart in our living room.

The holistic practitioner came to see my dog and diagnosed severe liver damage caused by cancer. 2 days before my flight back to LA Mausespeck was in extreme pain and crying. While we were waiting for the veterinarian my mother and I cried and sobbed deeply while holding him. My mother said "Animals have it a lot better in this regard, because they don’t have to suffer until the very end." My grandfather walked down the stairs and said to Mausespeck "You have always been a good dog, and it was always good to be together with you". Tears were running down his face.

My therapists Esther and Johnty helped me very much when I was back in LA. Whatever came up in the present time was not devastating any longer, I was able to work myself through the worst emotions. One of my act outs to alleviate the pain was falling in love with whomever I was surrounded with and it usually was a leader type of man. I struggled for a year and a half for my therapist Johnty's love and I cried deeply in the sessions. When I sat in despair, sometimes not even able to say the words, Jonty would say "Please...." and I would say the whole sentence "Please love me". I would say it over and over again with this horrendous void inside of my chest. The love that I needed from Johnty was really the love from my mother when I was little. That pain is so huge in my life that I was not able to bring it back to where it belonged. But feeling the true emotion and crying deeply, even within the present context, helped me so much for my future life that I was able to deal with such feelings from then on. Whatever came up in the present time, I realized that it was my old pain and I knew what to do about it. I was always able to let myself sink into the pain and allow it to be the way it was without suppressing it, without resisting it.

Later after Dr. Arthur Janov retired and was no longer monitoring the Primal Center, 2 people who had been in Primal Therapy, died. One guy overdosed on Heroin and one girl my age hung herself. She was an artist and drew horses like Leonardo Da Vinci drew horses. I liked her a lot and was very shocked and sad when a friend of mine called me on the phone to tell me about what happened to her. If I had been at the Center at that time when her partner broke up with her in group session, I could have given her comfort and she would not have died. She did not get any help at all. What she needed was total encouragement to express her anger which was so hidden under thick layers of unempowering beliefs. She needed unconditional love from the whole group.

The case Gary Allen Dromgold

When I met my husband Paul in 1998 he was friends with Gary Allen Dromgold, a kite builder who flew his kites at Playa Del Rey. Gary was feeling good when he was flying his kites, I know that he must have been fairly balanced at that time. Not long after I met Paul we let two ladies move into Paul's guest house who were in need of a new place. We went hiking many times in the mountains of Brentwood and Bel Air with Gary, Paul, Ludwig and Samantha the Great Danes, Summer the girl who rented the guest house and myself. Gary fell deeply in love with Summer. She might have liked him in the beginning, it looked like she admired him after the first hike or two because of his kite making ability and his athletic life. But the more Gary wanted Summer the less she liked him. Instead of doing everything he could to make her happy he acted selfish, demanding, pushy, irritated, angry, even hostile sometimes. He did not listen to our advise to dress better and to not always wear the Hawaiian shirt, bathing shorts and old sandals, but instead wear clean and nice looking clothes, wash his long and greasy hair and take showers. We told him to be patient and loving towards her and to be there for her. But he did not have the mindset to act with love. He was too much in his own needs. The situation became worse and worse until Summer and her mother kicked him out and did not allow him to visit them again. Gary became so depressed that he signed himself into the hospital saying that he was suicidal. Paul told Gary's mother to bring him the book Awaken the Giant Within by Tony Robbins and the book got Gary to come out of the mental state he was in. He went back home and was fairly stable for several years. A couple of years later, we had not heard from Gary in a while, we got a phone call from his friend who told us that Gary had just jumped out of the window from his doctor's office and his lungs had imploded on the parking lot. His body was in the morgue. My knees were shaking and I sobbed. I knew just so well how it must have felt for Gary all of those years until he reached this decision. I know because I have been in the same mental state many times in my life.

Mental illness

One day in July 2002 my husband's father Ernie began hiding in his room. I told my mother that I did not know what to do. He was not sick but he seemed very depressed. She told me to get help for him. In Germany it is against the law not to help someone in need of medical attention. I called social workers and that situation scared Paul and he blamed me for bringing the social workers into the house. My mother also was angry and she blamed me for not doing enough to help Ernie. I was the rope of my mother’s and Paul’s tug of war. I was scolded no matter what I did.

Many things were too much for me: The Bush administration, active sonar, whales bleeding internally, fear of the future, and this situation with Ernie pushed me over the edge. I thought "I have had it". I ingested 100 psycho pharmaceutical pills which were the newer kind and I didn’t know at that time that they were not lethal. (I wonder how many rabbits and guinea pigs must have been pumped full of those toxins in laboratories to patent those no good drugs and declare them officially "safe". Well, I learned and will never support those drugs again.)

In the ER the nurse inserted an IV into my arm and she said they would give me an intravenous medication to counteract the spasms. I got scared. She also gave me a charcoal drink because the toxins had already moved further into the intestines. When the cardiologist attached an EKG to my chest my leg muscles began to pull. The symptoms got stronger every second. The cardiologist asked me to keep my legs still. Didn’t he know that my system was toxic and that the toxicity was causing spasms? The staff left the room and I felt my whole body pull. My system was trying hard to counteract unconsciousness but I could not stay in control of my body any longer. I moved towards the end of the stretcher while the EKG attachment ripped off my chest, I tried desperately to stand up in order to gain control and balance the blood circulation. When my feet touched the ground they felt like heavy metal casts and they were not doing what I wanted. I felt very heavy and the ground appeared to me as if it was pulling me down with unusual gravity. That's as far as I can remember the situation in the ER.

They told me the next day that I screamed in that moment before I fell unconscious. I screamed horrible screams of terror. The whole staff came running to help me. I remember waking up several times for only a few seconds in the ICU. I woke up after they had given me the antispasmodic medicine through the IV. I was on oxygen and back on the EKG. Paul was holding my hand and calling my name over and over with a desperate voice and he had a worried facial expression. He was very apologetic. He said he will never be impatient and angry with me again, it just wasn’t worth it. I knew that was only temporary. But I was grateful for his deep concern. He told me that he loves me and that he does not want to lose me. I stayed in that sleep mode until the next evening. The nice nurse from the Philippines told me it was not my time yet. She washed me and she talked to me with a very gentle and kindhearted voice. I was grateful that she was there.

At night a different nurse came into the room, the night nurse, and she was not nice to me. She was angry that she had to get the bed pan frequently. I asked them to give me lots of water to flush the toxins out and the night nurse told me that I didn't know what I was talking about. (She was wrong, because water absolutely flushes toxins out. That is part of the body's function and water is the only material that flushes particles through the body). I didn't want to argue with her and I told her with determination that I was very thirsty, which was true. My body knew what it needed. Next day another mean nurse took my blood pressure against my will. I was so angry that I signed myself out on my own responsibility. I was grateful to be together with the dogs again.

One of many OCD forms that I had was a washing compulsion. I had to wash my hands about 10 times per hour, which adds up to 140 times per day. I always had to rinse everything I washed extra long, which was the worst part of it and it was very exhausting. I did not want to get up in the morning any more because I was dreading the day with the washing and rinsing compulsion. I washed the laundry very often. I cleaned the whole household often including the dogs. I am very organized otherwise I could not cope with anything. I always felt like I needed to decontaminate myself and everything else. Everything needed to be pure. When I washed dishes I had to scrub everything hard and thoroughly with a scrubber sponge, a brush, soap, and cold water. Rinsing made a total prisoner out of me. I had to rinse over and over and could not stop. My back hurt and I had to lean over the sink to lay my belly on the rim, half lying on the sink, in physical and emotional pain, and crying. Sometimes I stopped breathing and most of the time I had trouble getting air into my lungs. When I was finally finished with the procedure I almost fell down out of exhaustion. I broke out in sweats and I was splattered in water from the faucet. Everything had to be wiped with a sponge many times and the sponge had to be rinsed over and over to wipe the counter again. In the end I dried everything with a clean towel. I was scared to even enter into this whole occupation when the dishes were due. So Paul washed the dishes about 80% of the time. OCD, as any other mental illness form, is caused by unresolved emotional pain. It is possible to resolve the pain at any given time later on in life.

In 2003 during my serious pharma withdrawal I was an atheist. It was not difficult for me because I was raised atheist/agnostic and throughout my life I never paid much attention to different worldviews. My way of thinking became very limited. I became too judgmental and felt more helpless and insecure. I began to see only the bad things in everybody, I judged people and I lost friends. My opinion about humanity dropped lower and lower until I thought that most people are just no damn good. My hatred and contempt became so out of control that I had regular migraine headaches. Every time a person angered me very much a new migraine started with severe headache and vomiting lasting for days. The anger and the migraine were also partly connected to the withdrawal from my psycho pharmaceutical medication. During the beginning of one migraine I said to the room: "Please help me, don’t let it become really bad again". Right after I said that I had the vision of a transparent blue handmade out of Jello material. The Jello hand reached into my brain and began to repair things in it. It felt good and I was hopeful that it would fix the pain. The repair lasted about 10 minutes and then the headache and the nausea was gone. Out of the hand I envisioned the whole individual which looks exactly like my paintings and sculptures. I named him the Blue God. He has always been there, I just did not realize it. He had already helped me and saved my life many times before he fixed my headaches.

　

　

Chapter 6, Dreams I had in 2003

Dream 1

I woke up with a nightmare by the loud shutting of the window next to our heads. Paul just closed the window because the neighbors had their TV on in their garage again and the volume was very high blasting into our windows. I dreamed about visiting with a couple of people. There was a woman, about 45-50 years old, mentally ill, overweight, old looking, grim expression on her face, looked Russian or Romanian, with a wide head, slanted eyes, high cheekbones, brown hair, short and heavy built, intellectual, wearing grey, brown and dark colored clothes. (I believe this is the woman I met after the statistics lectures in the auditorium). In the dream she said she could spin and move her body very fast like no other person to the point where she became invisible. She climbed on top of a 2 meter high dresser and performed a stepping ritual, back and forth between 2 dressers high up in the air. She moved fast and I thought she would fall but she didn’t. She came back down from the dressers and said that she was going to spin now. She began spinning around herself in the room and we all were watching her. She decided to go to the street not far from the building we first met. It was a friendly neighborhood with gardens, trees, and grass. She began spinning again on the curb next to the road. She started slowly, spinning even a bit awkward and out of rhythm. Then she picked up pace, got faster, accelerated more and more. She got so fast that her whole body began to blur and we could not see the contours of her shape any more. She was still accelerating. Her body became translucent, but we could still see the grey and brown colors of her clothes. She was still accelerating. This went on for minutes until she was gone. We could not see her anymore. She had become invisible. Where she had been was now nothing, just air, not even a breeze. We did not go near the place where she was spinning because it could chop us into pieces. We stayed at a safe distance not knowing were exactly she was. It was so scary that we got goose bumps. She stayed completely invisible for an awful long time. We got nervous and I could hardly breathe. Time went by and we did not know what to do. She was gone. Erased from space and time. Erased from this planet. We were standing there in shock and we could not move. Suddenly we saw a shimmer of brown and a groan coming from her direction. Then we saw brown and grey, it slowly reappeared. The groaning became more urgent. She was a blur of brown. She screamed pitifully. We saw her tumbling and heard her horrible screams. We saw the body contour spinning. The scream was stomach twisting. She tumbled to the ground and into the road. Her entire body was hemorrhaged. She was blue and grotesquely swollen, her eyes were bloody. Her body was twitching uncontrollably and she was screaming like I have never heard anyone scream before. My face became pale, terror gripped me and I ran as fast as I could to the next house. I did not let the others know that I was calling the ambulance because they might interfere. I ran up the stairs of the next building, screaming for help, pressing the doorbell, and a man came out suspicious of me. But I started to faint looking right into his eyes saying: "We have a medical emergency, someone is dying, could I use your portable phone to call the ambulance?" That’s when I fell to the floor, I was so weak, my legs gave in and I could not breathe. Then I woke up from the window shutting.

Dream 2

I dreamed about Paul and his band buddies which I had never seen before. They looked kind of old with shoulder long uncombed hair and beards. They wore dark clothes and cowboy hats. I told them that I did not like country music and that I had a multifaceted music taste. I said that I did not like hip hop music. That made me feel uneasy, because I did not want to be labeled again. So I said: "Don’t get me wrong, I sure like the way Jennifer Lopez and Beyonce look, they are stunning. I just don’t like their music." They looked at me strangely but did not say anything. I felt like walking away. I wore clothes that I would never wear in reality: Cowboy boots and a dress. The skirt was loosely cut, it kept flying upwards exposing my body and I did not wear underpants. I ran away, I ran faster and faster, I was embarrassed and scared. I felt exposed and tried to force the skirt down to cover myself. I realized that some people were after me trying to prosecute me for political activity. I strained myself to lift up into the air again as in so many dreams. I made it, I drifted upwards. With a lot of strain I could make myself stay in the air above ground without sinking down again. Screaming middle age women with bleach blonde hair, skinny, with big mouths and jaws and kind of bulging eyes, came running after me trying to snatch my legs from the air. They screamed that they are going to get me. Their facial expressions were boisterous, mocking, with hostile smirks. They looked like they found a piece of clean meat in me. They tried to make me dirty, too, and it bothered them that I would not let them. I flew higher. The more they tried to get me, the higher I flew. I flew and it was exhausting. I flew into a large tree with a smooth surface. I barely reached the large branches when my energy dropped.

　

Dream 3, Armageddon dream:

We were in a large and crowded restaurant. Across the room were several celebrities, among them the nice guy from KCET, the one who played in Star Trek, the one with the sunglasses on. He is one of the cutest guys, outside and inside. Next to me was a former friend of mine, she was looking over to the cute guy and holding eye contact with him. He was looking at her all the time with a seductive smile. I told her that he was doing this with all women because I was jealous and I felt unattractive. But my deepest concern in my life are my dogs and everything else trails far behind. The people in the restaurant began to sing and the mood was touching. The cute guy cuddled up to the people sitting next to him. He was not concerned about flirting anymore, just having a good time with his friends and showing appreciation which made me relax. Everyone in the restaurant seemed kind and appreciative to their next fellow being. The restaurant was a large square building with rounded corners. The entire facade was just glass, two stories high. So from inside the restaurant one could see the outside from every angle, even up into the night sky. All of the sudden the people in the restaurant were all quiet, and I was wandering why. How can they all be quiet at the same time? I saw across the entire restaurant through the other glass front a military helicopter flying, creating a loud noise, it flew from the right to left descending slightly. A thick dotted line flowed from the right bottom of the helicopter in a diagonal line downwards to the lower right side of my view, with an arrowhead on the end of the last stripe pointing towards the buildings below. The dotted line with the arrow was one of those computer animations you see on the internet when a pop up commercial appears on the screen. The short lines with gaps in between were moving towards the arrow at the end. As animated as it seemed it appeared completely real like it is always in my dreams, like there was nothing wrong with the computer animated dotted arrowhead line. The dotted line pointing to the buildings was showing the potential and immediate threat of a dirty bomb being released from exactly the spot on the helicopter where the dotted line started. The line was indicating to everyone that the dirty bomb was going to fall in the direction the arrow was pointing to. Now it was just a matter of minutes, maybe seconds until the bomb was being released. Other helicopters were following the one with the bomb. The people in the restaurant were holding on to each other in terror. My chest was caving in. My dogs are at home alone. I am not with them. My dogs. I don’t know what to do. I want to scream. I am screaming, but I can not hear my voice. Sirens, loudspeakers, helicopter noises muted every scream. This was the end. My life was over. Only a few seconds left. I wanted to move. I stood up, wanted to leave the restaurant. I needed to go home to the dogs. My body was paralyzed, my chest heavy. I screamed as loud as I could, but only a hoarse, choked, muted sound came out. I lifted my hands up in the air, touched my hands together, so my palms and fingers lined up pointing upward. I prayed: Please don’t make this happen. Please don’t make this happen. Please don’t make this happen. Over and over again. Over and over and over. My dogs need me. I want to be with my dogs. Don’t allow this to happen. Please don’t make this happen. The feeling was so overwhelming that my body felt like needles were going through my veins. My legs could barely hold my weight. (end of dream). Then I woke up in that same frantic mental state.

　

Chapter 7, Weird illnesses and experiences

During the summer of 2003 the dogs became sick with a rare dog illness. They experienced something that looked like internal electric shocks. All of the sudden both of them had these shocks at different times. Ludwig became so scared that he did not drink nor eat any more. He was hiding in the corner and shivering. We were helpless, no veterinarian knew what it was and no neurologist knew what it was. We contacted a large number of people in this regard. They even seemed unusually opposed to our idea that it could be BSE (bovine spongiform encephalopathy, also known as mad cow disease) and they claimed dogs could not get this disease. Information on the Internet about BSE revealed that there is no reason why dogs will not get this disease. It is caused by a prion protein which affects the nervous system of cattle. BSE is related to Creutzfeldt-Jakob and Alzheimer’s disease in humans. Spongiform encephalopathy had occurred in other animals like sheep, rabbits and rats as well so why would it not affect the canine brain? It first occurred in the meat industry because vegan animals are being fed pellets made out of animal byproducts which are unusable parts of animals from slaughter facilities and rendering plants where dead animals are being recycled. Samantha and Ludwig may have eaten too many other dogs and cats as well if their dog food contained protein from rendering plants. What a horrible idea.

My husband always used remote training collars for his dogs and I have always been against using them. The remote control signals the collar to release electricity to the neck of the dog. The electric shock can be adjusted from lower to higher than the strength of an electric fence. Although he used only the lowest level that possibly worked, the dogs became traumatized in their neck areas. When someone touched them just lightly on the neck they twitched like they were electrocuted. After the BSE illness Paul abandoned the shock collar use for Ludwig because he was old and sick. Ludwig thought that he was being shocked by us when he was getting the internal shocks. He linked up everything he was doing with those shocks. It happened a lot when he was thirsty which made him not eat and drink enough for days. I cried and tried to comfort him. I was so worried about him and thought he might not survive this illness which caused him also to walk sideways. When he finally realized that he was not being shocked by us and that the shocks had nothing to do with what he was doing, he began to recover but he had permanent neurological damage. Both dogs recovered from the shock illness within a few weeks.

It is important to feed dogs and cats safe dog food which is vegan, vegetarian, or contains fish, chicken and turkey. I recommend to Never buy dog or cat food made with beef, pork, bone meal, meat byproducts nor any other mammal type of animal. PETA has a list of safe dog food manufacturers. Halo, Newman's Own and Rachael Ray's dog food brands are safe and there are more good ones on the list. PETA also has the list of bad companies. Both lists are free to obtain on PETA's website.

We had been through a lot in those years between 2003 and 2006. Ludwig had to be euthanized in 2004 at age 11 1/2 which is old for a Great Dane. It is important to lie down on the floor with your pet when he receives the human anesthesia and the lethal injection so that he feels comforted.

We lived in the motor home for 3 years which was rough beyond description. A friend of my dad who regularly visits the East Coast keeps saying how wonderful everything is in the USA and how grand. I told my mother that he can switch places with me then and live with Samantha and Paul in the old Winnebago for a week to get an idea how it’s like to live in the USA and experience everything from the motor home perspective.

When my mouth was numb at the dentist’s office in 2006 I realized that this one piece of flesh was not vulnerable in that moment against offenses and humiliation. It felt good that at least this one little part of my jaw was numb and could not get hurt by people who laugh about me or humiliate me even if this good sensation lasted only for 2 hours. I realized that I badly want to become numb everywhere and not be vulnerable to hurt. I am so tired of being hurt. I wanted to be anesthetized or made permanently numb and Never get hurt again. I wanted something to happen so that I don't have to suffer any more. I want to be pain free like the little girl I saw on the Maury Show. It must feel so awesome to be pain free. The pain free little girl has a whole lot of friends because people like to be around people who are not vulnerable.

After we began the dune watch I had this nightmare about violent criminals. I dreamed that I was walking down a dirty back alley along an old factory building. Broken glass was on the pavement and some windows were broken into. All of the sudden there were skinny young guys with straight black shoulder long hair. The guys had narrow faces, they wore torn clothes and had tattoos on their arms. The one guy grabbed me and I thought I was going to be executed. I became very calm suddenly and talked to him. I said to him that he was precious, too, like every other living individual. I took his hand and told him that his cells in his body are precious and innocent and that they want to live in harmony and love. He calmed down and even smiled like a small child who is in amazement. (end of dream).

　

Another nightmare: Someone was murdered under a bridge and we were supposed to look at the crime scene. They told me that the person was tortured to death in a horrendous way and one could see the horror in the dead person's face but I refused to look at it. A forest ranger lady protected me and told the other people not to show me the crime scene. I knew how the crime scene looked like. The corpse’s face was swollen to 3 times its original size, the skin looked white with blue and purple bruises. Forest rangers were coming up in an elevator into the office where the one forest ranger lady was protecting me from having to see the crime scene. The other forest rangers had the photos in their hands wanting to force me to see them. The nice lady became very angry with them and asked them to leave. (end of dream).

　

Paul was in a dialogue with a friend about the universe. I was able to capture the dialogue because it was typed as emails. The friend said "The question is, where did these laws of nature come from? There could just as easily have been total chaos without any order at all. In which case, the universe could have destroyed itself long ago." Paul answered "The laws of nature have always been there. They did not come from anywhere. There could have just as well been nothing in the universe, or anything. But there is what there is. And that can not be changed. The universe can not destroy itself. Because energy and matter can neither be destroyed nor created. As you said before, that is the first law of physics. And therefore there can not be a creator. If there was a creator, who/what created the creator? And when? If the creator has always been here, then the universe would have always been here as well. The creator could not have waited to a particular point in time to create the universe. Since time does not exist without change, there can be no beginning and no end to time. And therefore there can be no beginning and no end to energy, matter and gravity. So the only thing god could be, is only energy, matter and gravity. That is what dictates the laws of nature in the universe. Therefore it must have always existed and it always will exist. Regarding the Big Bang theory, it is the only theory that has not been disproven. Since they brought the Hubble telescope into the orbit they have disproven all previous theories except the Big Bang theory. And now they came very close to proving it because they can see billions of years back into time by looking at objects and matter billions of light years away. They can almost see all the way back to the beginning of the Big Bang. But the Big Bang is older than the universe is large. Therefore they can not see the beginning to completely prove it. There is enough gravity with all the matter in the universe to compress the earth down to a size small enough to fit on the head of a pin or needle. The first nuclear bomb was too large and heavy to fit on an airplane because a nuclear explosion is triggered by an implosion that compresses atoms until they explode. The Big Bang works the same way. Before the Big Bang there was the Big Crunch caused by all the gravity in the universe compressing the universe down to a very small size. And like the nuclear bomb all the atoms in the universe exploded into a giant nuclear explosion. Now the universe is still expanding. But gravity will slow down and stop that expansion. The same effect as a bullet shot up into the air. The bullet would fall back down to Earth and hit the Earth with the same speed as it left if there was no air friction to slow it down. In space there is no air friction. So the universe will collapse on itself at the same speed/force that it exploded from the Big Bang. And that is called the Big Crunch which in turn triggers another Big Bang. This goes on forever and always has. There can never be a beginning nor an end to this." (End quote from Paul).

I agree with Paul about the universe. But I keep the door to endless possibilities open because nobody knows what else can be discovered later. Our perception is limited and cause and effect reaches infinitely beyond our limits.

When I was wishing for a large house and envisioned it in detail we found a house that was too expensive for us. We made offers and the banks made counter offers which never worked for us. I thought that I was doing what Esther Hicks was suggesting to do. I envisioned my dreams, I did everything I could to get the house, but in the heated process of wanting the house I forgot that I had not let go of it. When I let go of it I cried.

The whale event in 2010 took my mind off the house wish for several months. When I looked again at Realtor.com I found our house on first glance. There it was: My house in the exact way I envisioned it and better than the other house that was too expensive for us. Paul was against buying it but I didn't give up until we got to see it and when he saw it he bought it. When we got the house I cried in joy and I knew that the law of attraction was for real.

Then I fell in love with a celebrity and again forgot to let go of the wish as Esther Hicks had instructed. Again the old struggle was there for unreachable love. It was another very painful phase in my life. I was suffering because there was someone who I thought would fulfill my needs and yet he was not available for me. After half a year of severe suffering I found out that he was a hunter and I dropped the whole inflamed love like a dead corpse. This horrific burden was gone. So instead of struggling for love from a cold man, together with IFAW and many others in a group effort, we petitioned to save the bears in Russia from canned bear hunters. The petitions succeeded and the animal loving Vladimir Putin signed the new laws into effect. The law of attraction brought me love beyond measures because when you love living beings so much that you give your time and effort and are brave to stand up politically for the living beings in this case the orphaned baby bears in Russia, then you receive the love in the very moment of loving because when you love you have love in your life. It feels good to really love. True Love is the love for All Earthians, animals and humans, equally much.

In 2012, the year of the feared "Armageddon", I saw cruelty on the Internet that resonated with my worst nightmares. When I saw that I was instantly paralyzed with terror. It was a combination of the cow ranchers having the wild horses rounded up and held captive, the dolphin slaughter in Taiji and extreme cruelty in factory farms which caused my nervous breakdown. I thought that the law of attraction would bring that horror to me because I was so terrorized by it.

My husband blames Esther Hicks but she said on numerous occasions that we don't bring things to us through fearing or obsessing on it right away, that one has to dwell in it and move into that direction voluntarily in order to bring such things on. But I was convinced that I was in an involuntary black hole of attracting something that caused me the worst brain terror. My husband blamed me for watching Esther Hicks' videos. He made me promise that I would not watch her videos ever again. But when we made it through 2012 without incidences I was convinced that my fears were not rational at all, that Esther Hicks did not mean to scare anybody, and that Armageddon was just mass hysteria. So what happened to lead up to this terror was a bunch of things like the mass indoctrination about Armageddon in 2012 which was hard to shake off by people like me even if they were not believing in religions. A lady friend in LA "predicted" my death in 2012. The tortured animals in undercover videos in fur farms, cattle ranches, pig breeding facilities, wild horse rounding up in Nevada and slaughterhouses. And a childhood trauma that has not even been touched by therapy in any form. When I was paralyzed with terror I had all signs of a panic attack which was drastically increased heart rate, muscles became stiff, I got cold, I was shaking, I could not eat, my metabolism slowed way down, my pineal gland released masses of DMT and my pituitary gland slowed down and caused a phantom pregnancy. The panic attack lasted for 2 months all together. The first 3 days were the worst of all where I could not eat. I screamed uncontrollably in the kitchen and I could barely sleep, I got only about 3 hours of sleep per night during the first couple of days. Then it relaxed very gradually with waves of getting better and getting worse again for 2 months.

I got really interested in post traumatic stress disorder, retrograde amnesia and what happens in the brain during a panic state. I watched Dr. Robert Sapolsky's lectures on YouTube which helped me a lot. Understanding the mechanisms that lead up to certain illnesses is cognitive therapy. I also watched Dr. France Janov explain the 3 levels of memories again and I immediately knew that the film I saw triggered an extreme event during my early childhood, possibly infancy, that had to do with having been sexually tortured. There are so many indications in my life that point to this picture. Nobody else who I know reacted like I did to those videos, articles and photos.

I read the reviews of the book Betty by Anneliese about my child therapy and several people pointed out that I must have been sexually abused. I looked at my drawings which indicate rape and I realized that no child says to someone "If a man shoots arrows into Muecke’s belly you must not scream because then the police will come", unless something like that has actually happened. No therapy has opened this wound up and maybe it’s better if it stays closed. I don't know. I can say for certain that this type of trauma had made me not want to be a woman and instead remain a chubby teenager. I had rejected the female role to a large extend because of this. I don't wear makeup, I wear men's clothes and shoes and I don't wear jewelry. Much is out of practicability but certainly also out of the underlying fear of being sexually wanted by men. I have been healing this by myself through the Buddhist books, discussions with good people on the Internet, art and Love.

All mothers need to know this: When a child is molested it might seem ok for the adult and like its nothing but for the child it is a major Primal event, a major trauma that can totally ruin the child's life forever. Even sexual energy in the room addressed at the child can be very terrifying and alienating for the child. Protect your children, never leave them with someone alone who you don't 100 percent trust.

March 2013: My husband likes it cold in the house and I need it warm which is a constant struggle. It had been around 50 degrees Fahrenheit and 10 degrees Celsius for the first months of 2013 in our house and I was constantly on the verge of a bladder infection. One night it got really bad again with intensive pain that I screamed for hours. I drank my Juniper Berry drink made with Juniper Berry oil in water and the pain dissolved. I picked Cedar, Spruce and Grand Fir and made tea with them to heal the bladder infection which was almost healed after a few days.

I went outside into the garden again and cut off a few small plant twigs with my pruner. This time I picked up twigs of Pieris Japonica but at that time I thought it was either Blueberry or Bleeding Heart which are safe to make tea with. The flowers of Pieris Japonica are very similar to those of the Blueberry and Bleeding Heart, they are small bubble formed flowers in light pink and they smell like bubble gum. But the leaves are very different, they are elongated like Rhododendron and Oleander, I should have known not to be quick to categorize the plant into the non toxic group. But something deep inside of me wanted to play the Russian Roulette and it felt like "whatever happens". Someone who lived here before us planted those next to different Blueberry brush. Pieris Japonica looks lovely. I brought my greenery into the kitchen and made tea with it. After the first cup of tea I felt really good, I felt less depressed, more relaxed, my body movements became slower and I thought nothing about it. After the second cup of tea I began to sweat out something that felt like menthol or a form of menthol, I thought that I was just detoxifying and I laughed a lot while I was washing dishes. Normally I do not laugh when washing dishes, quite the opposite actually, I usually have bad thoughts. After I drank the third cup of tea my body movements became more like in a slow motion movie, I became very relaxed, my heart rate slowed down and I felt a bit tipsy, but again thought nothing of it, however that in itself was part of the plant's effect: It all felt normal. After washing the dishes I sat down on my chair at the table to do some sewing and I began to see light reflexes in my visual cortex, I saw a large sun surrounded by black flickering energy, the sun widened and moved. I thought, oh, nice and again it appeared all normal. But then my prefrontal cortex figured out that I was not supposed to see a glowing sun on a rainy day and when it was already dark outside. That's when I realized that something was wrong. I was very relaxed and my relaxation collided with my fear in a weird internal struggle. I liked looking at the light images of the flickering sun and other fractal shaped things that glowed so beautifully. I kept looking and looking leaning back and forth on my chair while my head was hanging lower and lower over the table. Suddenly there was a small eye in the middle of the large sun. The eye was shaped like the eye of my self painted Blue God, rectangular with a square pupil in the middle and the eye of the Blue God stared relentlessly at me with a very grave expression as if it wanted to tell me something that was very serious like "You know what you have to do, you know that only you can take the responsibility, you know that you alone only have to make this next step". I stared at the eye for a long time, I lost track of how long. I realized that the plant was not Blueberry or Bleeding Heart. I realized that it was a mind altering plant, possibly Oleander, and that I had to get up in order to avoid falling on the ground.

I got slowly up and staggeringly walked to the refrigerator where I was about to sink down. I said "Paul I think I am going to pass out". He came out of his office and led me over to the recliner chair where I sank down, leaned back and became unconscious. Paul kept shaking my shoulder to wake me up. He said that I should not fall asleep because that can cause a cardiac arrest. He got mad at me insinuating that I was just faking this behavior. My heart rate was very slow at that moment. After a while, maybe a few seconds, I sat back up and felt very nauseated. I told Paul to give me Dr. Schulze's Intestinal Formula Number 2 which is the charcoal and bentonite clay capsules, and a cup of water. I took those but not long afterwards I had to wobble over to the kitchen sink to spit them out again except for a few that probably had already been dissolved in the stomach and which possibly saved my life. Sometimes charcoal and clay, even just a small amount can make the difference between dying and living. I made it to my bathroom where I vomited and had diarrhea at the same time. I was terrified and thought that I might die. I told Paul to call the ambulance which picked me up with a stretcher because I could not walk any longer. They monitored my heart rate and were worried about the slow vital signs. In the ambulance the nausea had dissolved but I was still very dizzy and my body was ice cold. I was freezing even though it was very warm in the ambulance.

The paramedics should wrap electric heating blankets around patients who have very slow vital signs. Almost every time a patient is sick or injured she should be heated up because the body is in that moment not able to provide its own heat due to the decreased blood flow. Same happened in the ER. They did not have electric heating blankets for me and I froze the whole time I was there until I sat up after about an hour. Kenny and Paul were there waiting for me and I signed myself out releasing them from liability. We drove back home and I was so glad to be alive and feeling much better. That same night I studied plants on the Internet to find out what the name of this plant was. The only approximate identification I could make was that to Oleander because the leaves and the symptoms are similar to those of Pieris Japonica. I made a video of the plant and showed it on YouTube and someone from Germany told me that it was Pieris Japonica. I saw several videos of Pieris Japonica and was glad to have found the name of my plant. Over the next days and weeks I felt a strong connection to Pieris Japonica. Every day I went outside to touch this beautiful plant and smell on the light pink bubblegum smelling bubble flowers. I wondered whether drinking a tea of a plant even if it’s a poisonous plant causes an energy connection through the mixing of the two species' molecules, the flower's and mine. Yes, it sounds new agey to a skeptic, but it is a strong sensation for me even though I am a very scientific person. I noticed that the plant has medicinal properties as well as nervetoxins. It made my skin smoother, some wrinkles are gone, my hands used to be rough and are smooth now, my pores in my face used to be larger and they are barely visible now. The plant blocked the bacteria that caused my bladder infection because one or 2 hours of freezing would otherwise have flared up the bladder infection hugely. I became more calm even days after the event and still am calmer than before the event. My heart rate has generally calmed down. I became even more philosophical than ever before after I had this experience with the plant. I have eternally many questions now. Why did I see the eye of my Blue God? Was it a hallucination? Did my brain create this image due to stored memories? Why did it put the eye into the middle of the sun? Why did the sun and the eye feel so alive and conscious? What did they want to tell me? What happened in detail to me when I was a child? How can I heal myself from the emotional pain?

The answer lies in life itself and the many holistic steps one takes. The spectrum of remedy approaches are endless if we search and keep searching for more. Perfection is never achieved because perfection is an infinite concept therefore we will always be studying, searching, computing, finding, making connections, improving. But the path is beautiful and we should embrace our upward movement in life, keep moving up towards a better and better feeling and healthier and more wholesome life. We can't skip steps on the way, because if we did that we would think that we failed. We have to stay on the path and move one step at the time forward. It should be a good experience and not painful. If it’s painful we are doing something wrong. Same applies to work, if it does not feel good it is not good for you. Same applies to school, if the education does not resonate, does not feel good, and does not make any sense, then it is not good for you, others nor the greater good. Information has to make sense to you or it is meaningless. You can only move to the next level when you are fully ready for it. You can only learn certain information when you are fully ready to learn it. Often there are intermediate steps or prerequisite steps that have to be done before moving on to the next ones.

What helped me much is Esther Hicks' scale of better feeling thoughts for example. This system applies to all sorts of things in life. When I feel unempowered which is the lowest point on the scale, then I can't skip to level 20 in one jump because level 20 will not resonate with level 1. So instead of giving up which I have done many times, I have to seek out level 2 which is the next transitional step from level 1. Level 2 is achieved with just one better feeling thought for example the thought "Ok, I feel bad but all things will pass as the Buddhists always say", or I can say "Ok, this person rejected me, but I know that I am worth unconditional love", or "Ok, they don't understand me, but person A, B and C have something nice about them as well, they voted for net neutrality". Its just one little step further upwards. Then you take the next step after you notice that you feel better. You go to level 3 and so on. Level 3 might be something like "I feel hopeful now that I noticed that I can recognize the good in people, maybe soon I will be having more self esteem." The scale goes all the way up to feeling totally empowered and strong and capable of taking full care of my own life.

Tony Robbins talked about a lady in his seminar who came to the stage and told her story of how she was sexually abused as a little girl by her father. She said that her whole life she had been pulling her hair out. She lifted her wig and exposed her bald head. Everybody in the audience felt very sorry for her. She cried. Tony has a lot of compassion and he often gets very touched by people, too. But he did not want to give in to the self pity energy for too long in order to show the lady that she can move out of this state of mind on her own. He told her to practice in her head to stand up for herself, to tell herself that she is worthy of respect and love even if others disrespect her. He told the audience to shout insults at her which was hard to do for them but some guys in the front row did that as an act. Now he told her to demonstrate to them that she knows who she is and that she is worthy of love. She said something that touched me very deeply. She said "I may look bad on the outside, but on the inside I am a very good, warmhearted and caring woman and I deserve to be loved."

I practiced the same mindset in conversations with my mother and my husband Paul. It didn't feel like that they were much convinced nor impressed by this fake acting, but I practiced it anyway to see what it will do to my nervous system. I was not on the same mindset as the brave lady was because I was angry. But it doesn't hurt to try to say those things anyway and practice it every day. It touches some spot inside of my solar plexus, where the rib cage parts. Much of what Tony Robbins taught me touched this emptiness inside of me and it created a new feeling of fullness, a wholesomeness which caused very deep sadness: When we practice all of our lives to feel unempowered and all of the sudden we scramble up those neuronal connections and make totally different ones like empowerment, independence and mental freedom, we see the difference and sometimes it might feel like we have been betrayed by those who caused us the mental state of unempowerment whether they did that deliberately or not. But allow that sadness because it is a natural progression on the path to healing.

　

　

Chapter 8, Denial

The horrific story of David Pelzer is one of the worst cases of abuse I have ever heard in my life. This story is so bad that it sounds like a fictional horror movie that can only be made up. But this really happened and when David Pelzer was a small child his mother began to pick on him and gradually the picking became abuse. First it was psychological terror and then physicals torture.

She banned him to the cellar. He was not allowed to sit on the table with his parents and siblings any longe and during the day he was brought into the house to clean up after everybody. In the evenings he was brought back into the cellar where he put his ear on the walls to hear the family sing together with the songs of the Beetles. He was lonely and yearning to be together with them. In school he never told anybody what was going on out of fear of his mother. The abuse continued throughout his childhood. His mother referred to him as "it" instead of his name. One day she undressed him and held him onto a glowing hot stove trying to fry him. He was still a child and was much smaller than his mother. But through the fight or flight syndrome and the release of cortisol and other energy boosting chemicals in his body he was able to struggle out of her grip and run up the stairs into the house. He still did not call the police. One day his mother held his hands into an acid fluid and the skin on his hands peeled off. When he was at school he kept his hands under the table so nobody would see what happened. But his teacher who had already been suspecting severe abuse asked him to show his hands. David refused but the teacher grabbed his arms and pulled his hands up from under the table. He was horrified. He called the police and would not ever let David go home to his mother again. David was treated in the hospital, brought to an orphanage and later was adopted out to a new family who gave him the love and respect that he deserved.

For years I could not possibly understand why some people are sadistic like that. It just made no sense at all. So my question for a long time was What made the mother of David Pelzer commit such hideous crimes? One could certainly argue that she was psychotic or schizophrenic or maybe had multiple personalities even. But then again, what makes someone even with those mental illnesses commit such atrocities? What motivates them? What leads up to those unspeakable actions?

David Pelzer has always been an exceptional student,  kindhearted, responsible, caring and really good at whatever he would learn in school including painting. I hypothesize that his mother most likely was jealous of his skills and probably even more than his skills she was jealous of his ability to love. She probably considered herself to be a rotten character and the contrast between herself and her son highlighted how rotten she was compared to him. So over time this extreme contrast between them began chewing on her and it grew into extreme hatred towards David who is innocent and cared very much about his mother even though she abused him. I believe that the more David tried to please his mother with good grades in school and particularly his work for her in the household and his kindness towards her, the more she resented him and her insanity grew out of proportions into monstrosities because nobody was there to stop this process.

My grandfather hated me the same way as David Pelzer's mother hated David. If my grandfather had lived alone with me and not been monitored by others like the housekeeper, my grandmother or the other family members, his hatred towards me might have escalated into the same pathology. I could feel this already as a child. I remember standing there in the corridor looking at the broom chamber thinking that if I was alone with him he would force me to sweep the whole house and that he would become meaner and meaner the more I gave into it and the more I tried to please him with my efforts.

When my grandfather looked at me his eyes became almost white with these tiny pupils in the middle. It looked frightening like the eyes of the girl in the Exorcist movie. When he screamed at me his voice would snap into high pitched squeals. One time he hit me hard in the face when I was only 7 years old and when nobody was looking just for having said the wrong thing not knowing that it would upset him. He kept putting me down over and over again for being "stupid", "uneducated", and he called me "Hippie" for not having my hair combed. He hated Hippies and whenever he saw some he would yell at them for no reason. One day we rode in his car with him and when he drove up out of the underground parking lot he almost ran over young men with long hair. His anger was extreme, his face was red and he screamed while he was trying to run over them deliberately. He would holler at me if I did not know anything about the tennis matches he was watching. He would have us kids always sit with him at the coffee table in the afternoon and he would start a fight with us so that he could put me down again. He didn't bother my brother. He singled me out from all family members to pick on me. He picked also on the housekeeper who had a speech impairment and he started fights with the gardeners. He picked on those who he thought were Omega people. He never put anyone down who had any type of status position. He tried to drill into my brother and me that the weak get killed and the strong survive and that is how life works. He would pull out his sailing- and horseback riding trophies and slam them on the table with this aggressive look on his face saying "look what I achieved". He picked on my boyfriend one day and accused him of being disrespectful towards him. I disagreed with my grandfather and he slammed his fist on the coffee table that all cups and plates flipped up and down almost breaking apart. Whenever he did something like that my heart would race.

The nicer I was to him the meaner he became. Whenever I stood up for myself and left the room he would later on give me a 100 DM which was about 100 dollars, and he would say "Now you have to tell your parents that I gave you the money". One time he came upstairs to "talk" to me. I almost thought that he was apologetic but he revealed to me that the only reason why he wanted to talk to me was because he was afraid that I might burn his house down. He was afraid that anybody who he had mistreated might burn down his house. I finally had the courage to leave Germany and Never see him again.

My parents denied to themselves that my grandfather was abusive towards me. Their behavior is caused by an unconscious mechanism, they don't realize what they are doing and they don't think about this at all. They can only see this situation from their vantage point which denies the abuse. Looking into this openly and honestly would mean that they had to face guilt, responsibility for this, and it would shake up the image that they have of themselves as the perfect parents who gave me everything. Looking into this would begin to give me credibility which they don't want to do because they want to maintain the image of me being the Omega, the "retarded" child, the kid with the genetic defect. Looking into this would mean that they had to take a closer look at themselves.

It appears that I trigger similar feelings in my mother as well as I triggered in my grandfather. She loves me and these triggers are standing in conflict with her love. She used to call me a "mother hen" and thought that it was a bad character trait. She tried to tell me that one should not hover over and protect their kids. This was drilled into her by her society as well. It never made any sense to me at all at any age. I have always felt that a mother should be nurturing and protective of her kids and I know for certain that this is true.

My existence seems to edge on with certain people because my Asperger's Syndrome prevents me from adapting socially, from learning all of those social clues and little nuances in speaking to others and from pleasing others in conversations. I watched people on the Internet who are very popular and who rose up from obscurity to fame through their videos. I tried to understand what social clues they emit that makes them liked and trusted by others. What I noticed is that all of them have very specific things in common: They are not needy for love, they have humor, they can laugh about themselves, and most of all they speak in a way that totally accepts the current terminology that is used, certain facial movements, and certain values. For example popular people usually don't speak about values, worldviews or beliefs that stray in any form away from the mainstream. Book editors will not publish anything that is even remotely straying away from the popular norm. I am the opposite. I campaigned for Hillary Clinton in 2008 and I am campaigning for her again today. It was so severely unpopular during her campaign for anybody to like Hillary that one would be shunned for saying nice things about her. (Note that the corporations have worked hard on peer pressure advertisement to brainwash the public against Hillary because the oil industry among many others fear her to create justice.)

Another example: Not having the eyebrows waxed is a taboo on the Internet, a person without waxed eyebrows would be called a "unibrow" even if the eye brows don't grow together. Another example: Accepting the fact that CO2 causes heat trapping in the atmosphere resulting in climate change is taboo on the Internet. This makes it an even more literally burning incentive for me to talk about it publicly when I realize how the agenda has put out anti information to slander environmentalists. Another example: Having bangs is totally unacceptable by society. Another example: Complaining about things even if the complaint is justified is unaccepted by people. Any time someone is complaining that person is guaranteed to be flagged, downrated or bullied. People who are politically active are often looked down on.

When I struggle with my mother to understand that I had no self in the past, no platform of I, no identity at all and that much of my problems resulted out of this, she will not listen to me. She will not accept it because accepting it would mean that she would have to look within and see that things went wrong when I was child. Even when I tell her that I am not blaming her, that I blame the situation instead with her mother being diagnosed and the shock to her system and to the baby, she is still reluctant to accept this.

When I talk to my husband Paul about my problems he will blame me for having been disrespected. End of story. I can get up and go to my room. There is no conversation possible and I feel again and again that I am totally alone with my pain, nobody is there to listen, to understand, and to be on my side. I realize that I can't count on those people and that I have to sit down and write and write to get it out and sort it all out by myself. Maybe my story will help someone and show them that they are not alone, that there are others who feel totally alone as well and not understood by anybody and that this shall never make us feel destroyed and instead compel us even further to write our stories down and share them with others.

Dr. Arthur Janov writes about the two hemispheres of the brain and that we can rely on the right side which is the side of truth, creativity, and emotions. The left hemisphere is the side of the brain which handles language, external perception and "logical" reasoning and it is the side that enables us to be in denial! Ha. Both sides of the brain continuously interact with each other through the Corpus Callosum which is the bridge and equilibrium module. He says that the left prefrontal cortex will lie about things that are perceived by the right hemisphere therefore we can not rely on the left side for truth, instead we have to turn to the right side to tell us more about our internal mechanisms. I draw the conclusion from this understanding that the left hemisphere evolved throughout time in order to prevent an overwhelming input of stimuli from the outside of our systems.

Dr. Vilayanur Ramachandran at UCSD studied patients in which the Corpus Callosum, which binds the 2 hemispheres together, had been severed through accidents, genetic defects or surgeries. When there is no longer a connection between the 2 hemispheres the person will not be able to name an object which he saw on the left side of the computer screen and which is processed in the right side of the brain, the right hemisphere which does not do language processing. He knows and perceives the object but can not name it. The object seen on the right side of the screen is processed in the left hemisphere and therefore named right away. The patient in the documentary film tested by Dr. Michael Gazzaniga only noticed consciously the item on the right side of the screen. When asked what he saw he named only the item on the right side of the screen but drew with a marker the item on the left side of the screen with his left hand. When asked what the item was he quickly had the correct answer but he had no idea why he painted this particular item. His left hand, connected to his right hemisphere, draws unconsciously the item perceived on the left side of the screen. This is very interesting because it gives glimpses into perception in general. Many studies have been conducted throughout the decades finding very curious phenomena about perception.

In one study soccer fans which are very focused on the soccer game field, were shown videos of soccer games and in one video a man in a gorilla costume appears all of the sudden in the middle of the game field but the test person did not perceive the gorilla because his focus was on the soccer game and everything that did not belong into this very specialized optical field was actually sorted out by the left side of the hemisphere, it was basically clipped out and deleted as something that did not make any sense in this context. Men have been observed to show this type of eliminating of "non contextual" data in their vision perception while women do not delete non contextual data. Even more interesting is that people with Asperger's Syndrome, and among them in particular women, see and perceive consciously every single item in their surroundings which is often overwhelming for them in their daily lives. I experience this as well and when I am at a cash register paying for my groceries I have to strain myself to focus on the payment process because I get overwhelmed by energies, faces, smells and sounds.

The left hemisphere has the function to identify things by name, it is filling in knowledge gaps to create a sense of the perceived situation and it protects the person from an overwhelming data input which could have otherwise been confusing and distracting and possibly dangerous in situations that require sharp focus on the momentary situation. This is a mechanism that evolved because of living in harsh and dangerous surroundings in the past millions of years dealing with predatory humans and animals. The ones with this focused attention and screening out non contextual data, survived and passed on their genes. This phenomenon of deleting data from the perception has most likely slowed down the evolutionary progress of becoming more intuitive, perceptive, and aware of the diversity in our environment. Without this inhibition of data perception people may have evolved more and faster towards connectedness with the natural environment around them and with all plants and animals surrounding them.

This danger perceiving modus probably slowed humanity down in regards to progressing towards the recognition of the necessity of humans serving not only their own short lived gains but instead serving the whole web of life around them and also their own biological systems. Many Shamans around the Equator in South America and the Philippines have this ability to see the connectedness of the web of life and regard this very highly. Plants like Pieris Japonica, Psychotria Viridis, Banisteriopsis Caapi (also called Ayahuasca), Rhododendron, Oleander and many other neuroactive plants can temporarily, sometimes permanently, inactivate the information discrimination process of deleting certain data that appears out of context. Therefore one sees a whole lot more in the environment and within oneself. I believe that one can even view other dimensions through the altered perception process, one can see energies in colors probably. My own experience with Pieris Japonica taught me that not only is the perception widened through the inactivation of the data deleting/omitting system, as well as through an increase of DMT (Dimethyltryptamine), but also through this amazing connection to the plant. When I heard people talk about their experiences with hallucinogenic drugs before, I had a hard time understanding what it really must be like because its hard to describe it in words. I had decided to never try it because my defense mechanism is already overwhelmed and I feel very vulnerable to anything that can bring up the pain. I thought that if I ever tried hallucinogens it would be catastrophic for my brain and that certain drugs would just not be good for me at all. But there are different plants which have different constituents, some of them might be very helpful for me. Pieris Japonica is one of the plants that are good for me but it has to be taken in the right doses. I ate one flower today and nothing happened. I guess it is safe to take very small amounts of the whole plant. I believe that no substance should ever be isolated from the plant. I strongly believe in the anthroposophical medicine by Rudolf Steiner and in what he said about using whole plant essences.

Chapter 9, Dissolving denial, pain and conflicts

How do we dissolve the denial, pain and conflicts among us? I would say that meditation is the most straightforward path to dissolving all of the problems when we make meditation a life style. We need to not be afraid of tears and strong emotions to surface because those are signs of the healing process. If we allow the body and mind to be the way they are they can do their work on our systems and heal the old wounds. It also helps to sometimes scream into a pillow or in a soundproof room away from pets and kids. The tears and the deep sadness is what makes the pain dissolve. When we cry we let go of whatever we were mentally clinging to and which kept us in a resistant modus.

Holistic medicine is offering a vast spectrum of opportunities to heal the system, not only healing our own bodies but also planet Earth which is our foundation of life. Holistic medicine is everything that helps an individual to heal their emotional as well as physical wounds and illnesses.

There are numerous plants locally growing in all regions on planet Earth which can heal all health problems. I would say roughly that there are around 30 plants in each place which heal the same problem and some of them heal other problems as well. Some plants have panacea healing capabilities. It is important to learn about the different plants and their components to be able to discern which one is toxic and which one is safe to take. Some of the toxic ones are powerful and medicinal in nature and one has to just be very careful about the dosis. Herbology needs to become a regular study field at universities just like conventional (animal and human) medicine. I would be happy to see herbology being incorporated into the field of medicine. In Germany this has already begun and in time people will realize that it is absolutely necessary to incorporate plant medicine into the medical fields.

I will always first choose holistic approaches to healing before harsh interventional methods. There are certain procedures which I will never touch like blood transfusions, organ transplants, dialysis, surgeries on organs, even cardiopulmonary resuscitation I would not want. I would rather die than do any of those. I even wrote it into my will. I am also against plastic surgeries particularly on animals because they certainly did not ask for it. Its unnecessary and cruel.

Meditation is a lifestyle that needs to become incorporated into every person's life in order to create a peaceful communication between people and reduce wars hopefully to zero one day. There are different meditation methods, Vipassana, Transcendental, Samadhi, Zen and many others. One can make their own as well. What matters is that the individual sits or lies down in a comfortable position with a straight spinal cord so that there is not curving nor any obstructions caused by the posture. The blood has to be freely flowing throughout the whole body. Loose fitting cotton clothes are the best for wearing during meditation to allow the skin to breathe and release toxins and for the blood to flow. One can focus on an object for guiding the mind, but one can just sit there and allow all thoughts to wander through the brain as they want to. Whatever works the best. One can always switch the method if it does not work. I noticed that what works best for me is the sound of nature and often during the summer months I have the window open and listen to the sound of the trees in the wind, the rain, the birds and the water running in the creek. I also listen to recordings of nature sounds which instantly calm my nervous system way down. I recommend to people to record the sound of springs and mudpots bubbling up hot spring clay.

Pet therapy works wonders. Sleeping with your dog under the blanket in bed reduces heart problems. It literally heals the heart. This has been scientifically proven and one can find lots of statistical data on this correlation. Dogs are Gods. They want to please you, love you and make you happy.

Dolphins are as intelligent as the smartest humans are and more. They know which person is kindhearted, which person wants to slaughter them and which person needs their therapeutic help. There are institutes which take autistic children to dolphins where the dolphins interact with the children in the most loving way and the kids become happy and playful like never before. Kids with autism usually are very withdrawn from communication with humans. When they see animals they begin to feel safer and more relaxed which opens up a world of language for them that had been locked before. Through this animal and human interaction autistic kids are in the mindset of learning and talking. We can learn from the dolphins that we have to be infinitely patient with pets and kids when we try to teach them something.

In the past people believed that other mammals other than human did not cognitively think like humans do. This has been refuted.

On July 7, 2012, a panel of prominent International neuroscientists, cognitive neuroscientists, neuropharmacologists, neurophysiologists, neuroanatomists and computational neuroscientists gathered at The University of Cambridge, U.K., reassessed the neurobiological substrates of conscious experience and related behaviors in human and nonhuman animals and they signed their Declaration on Consciousness at the Francis Crick Memorial Conference of Consciousness in Human and Non-Human Animals in the presence of Dr. Stephen Hawking:

　

>We declare the following: The absence of a neocortex does not appear to preclude an organism from experiencing affective states. Convergent evidence indicates that non-human animals have the neuroanatomical, neurochemical and neurophysiological substrates of conscious states along with the capacity to exhibit intentional behaviors. Consequently, the weight of evidence indicates that humans are not unique in possessing the neurological substrates that generate consciousness. Nonhuman animals, including all mammals and birds, and many other creatures, including octopuses, also possess these neurological substrates.<

　

The book The Horse Boy by Rupert Isaacson has fascinated me so much that my tears flowed down permanently on almost every page. Through that book I realized that I most likely have Asperger's Syndrome. I saw so many parallels between the boy and myself. In this book Rupert describes how his son began to talk through his friendship to a horse. He describes a meeting with Shamans from Africa who told him that his son is a Shaman as well. He talks about their journey to Russia visiting a Shaman who healed his son from autism.

Esther Hicks always states that if we cling to an outcome we can not reach the outcome because we are in a mental state of resistance. Dr. Arthur Janov says that depression is caused by repression. We become depressed when we are resisting and resisting is done through repressing things. The moment we really Allow the bad feeling to be because it’s already there but was resisted by the mind, then the whole system can express what it feels in the context of this particular emotion that is now free to be felt.

I just saw something remarkable as I often do when I browse through the dictionaries: In the Online Etymology Dictionary I looked up the words Intermission and Intermittent to find out what the origins of these words are. It was traced back to the 1500s and the Latin word Intermittere which comes from the words Inter = Between, and Mittere = Let go, send. Intermittere therefore means to leave off, or to let go. The word Mission also comes from those terms. Being a missionary or messenger means that I am sent out to deliver a message. It became clear to me that the logistic in those origins explains in depth the same that Esther Hicks has already said and also what the Buddhists have talked about when they said to make friends with your enemies and accept them as your teachers which means that I let go of the resistance to the enemies and instead embrace what they said to me and use it to learn from.

I was just writing in my Animal Holistic Health Care book about the short intermittent tugging on the leash which is better than pulling hard in long hard pulls. I see the relation in this scenario to the non resistance again. The long pulls on the leash cause resistance of the dog who thinks he has to lean even harder into the leash. The dog does not know better and he only reacts to the resistance of the leash itself. But when we tug lightly then he can feel it as a form of communication and becomes alert. Same with horses, one does not need to press hard against the horses or pull hard at all. Light communication is much more effective and also leads to a loving relationship between the animal and human or teacher and student.

Mittere = Let go, send out. That is so clear. I let go of the thing I wish for and then only can that what I wish for be sent out to the eternal universe. Same applies also to communication with words. If I am hurt by my boyfriend and resist talking to him because of this then I am holding on to the words I have to say to him and I inhibit the communication with him because I am not talking to him about the hurt, I am holding my words and wishes back and he does not know what he had said to me that made me feel hurt. Thich Nhat Hanh wrote about this scenario in his book You Are Here where he describes a couple who do not talk to one another and because of the misunderstandings that have not been resolved and have kept on accumulating the people die in the end like Romeo and Juliet.

The only chance for any form of sustainability of life in general is to open oneself up for real communication. We have to say what is on our minds. But it’s easier said than done and I know that of course from my own life. That's why when we are hurt and we withdraw our communication with the other person we thaw out when the other person is very kind to us and then we open up and often the first words that come out of us is something like "Why did you do that to me earlier?". It is good to say this even if it might come across as an accusation. Don't worry about it because it’s more important to speak out the truth about how you feel.

I saw a fascinating woman on the Internet, her name is Teal Scott. She told her story on her channel The Spiritual Catalyst on YouTube, she said that she was severely abused and tortured by a 60 year old man whom her parents trusted when she was a child. As a teenager she was able to flee from this man's custody and from the cult which he was operating in Utah. She said that she was so emotionally injured that she was not able to love herself. She said that she gave her horses love, she felt huge love for them and she cared deeply about them. She said that for a long time she cut herself and in order to love herself and to survive the post traumatic stress disorder she had to write on glass jars "I love you". So whenever she filled the jars up with water, the writing "I love you" would give the water in the jar the love message before she drank it. Something amazing happened then: Her trauma pain began to come out of the frozen state and things began to move and stir up and she often broke down crying. The crying state is the healing state because it’s a step further towards acceptance and non resistance towards the injury that has taken place. When we leave the state of hate or denial or paralysis we are leaving the state of resistance, we no longer cling to our armor or the Ego which was there to protect us. We recognize "This has happened to me, it is very bad. But it is ok to accept it fully as the truth." The crying state can last for a longer time, sometimes up to a year or even longer. We have to be very patient with ourselves. In order to heal we have to allow those tears and the eternal sadness.

I talked to the animals on the streets in LA. I trusted the animals more than humans. Several times I walked, often at night, for miles because I didn't have a car or bike for many years, I felt sorry for myself as I was walking down the streets all alone, nobody to talk to about my sorrows. Then all of the sudden there would be an opossum and usually a very large opossum walking past me on top of a fence or wall next to the sidewalks and often they would stop and look at me, those guardian angels, they would just stare at me with their Mickey Mouse faces and their long muzzles with the fleshy noses are so beautiful. I would immediately begin to cry because I was so touched by those lovely faces looking at me with curiosity. They knew that I was a friend. So when this mental communication happened I would always stop my walk and look at them peacefully and tell them what was on my mind and the animals would listen. This happened many, many times with opossums, cats, dogs, raccoons, and one time even with an anteater in a traveling petting zoo.

The next healing state after crying is the cognitive state. In the cognitive state we can ask questions like "Now that I have accepted the truth of what happened to me throughout my whole life, what can I learn from this? Is there something that I can use in all of the horrors? Maybe I can help someone else who is still in denial about her life? What do I need to do in order to help the other person? What can we do as a society in order to prevent those horrific things from happening in the future? What can I do now with my life, how can I make my life livable? Are there things in my that are beautiful? What are they? Can I allow those beautiful things to help me heal further?

We have to be open and inventive and think very much out of the box in order to find those elegant solutions. And those solutions are absolutely there. There is an abundance of fantastic solutions that also serve the greater good. This brings me to what Tony Robbins said when he talked about the 4 approaches to living called the class 1 to 4 experiences. I recommend his book Awaken the Giant Within which has hugely helped me after I did Primal Therapy for 10 years. It was a supplemental therapy that I desperately needed. I call Tony's approach the cognitive healing phase. It is just as important as the crying phase, both approaches are needed to move us ahead.

Tony said that in the class 1 experience one does something that feels good, is good for you, is good for others and serves the greater good. In the class 2 experience one does something that does not feel good, is good for you, is good for others, and serves the greater good. In the class 3 experience one does something that feels good, is not good for you, is not good for others and does not serve the greater good. In the class 4 experience one does something that does not feel good, is not good for you, is not good for others, and does not serve the greater good. People do all of those experiences including the class 4 experience. Example for class 1 experience: Eating vegan gourmet food. It feels good, it’s good for you, it’s good for others, and it serves the greater good. Example for class 2: Physical exercise that I don't like doing. Example for class 3: Eating a bunch of chocolate. It feels good but isn't doing anybody any good because it’s unhealthy, its addictive, it contains chemicals that can fog the brain and it contains lead and other toxins. Chocolate is made from the cocoa plant which is harvested in large orchards through child labor and slavery. Example for class 4: Smoking. When people begin smoking they hate it and only do it out of peer pressure, then later it becomes a serious addiction and a health burden causing lung cancer and heart attacks. Cigarette smoke smells very bad and pollutes people's homes and furniture. Yuck. Non smokers, this includes innocent animals and children, very often have to put up with the stinking smoke in their homes and public places. Second hand smoke also causes serious illnesses. And the worst that tobacco products in particular cigarettes do is, the smoke is tested in laboratories on Beagle dogs in which the dogs are pumped full of smoke through a gas mask type of device until the dogs die. This should really be the ultimate incentive for people to stop smoking. We must outlaw testing on animals. It is an atrocity.

　

Like Tony Robbins said, how can we turn the class 2 experiences like exercise as one example, into a class 1 experience? Or quitting certain foods or substances as another example. Or quitting bad companies. Quitting bad substances does not have to be painful at all, instead it can be very pleasurable. We have to learn how. In order to quit bad addictions the first step has to be to completely determine in your mind that the substance is adverse and that it is no longer an option at all. The second step has to be using a healthier or healthy substitute for the old substance. In case of alcohol, tobacco, or hard drugs which are dangerous and hard to quit, one can replace them with grape juice, with self squeezed juices from raw plants which is the best, with delicious and healthy vegetarian or vegan food, with herbal teas, with drinking lots of tea throughout the day, with yoga and meditation, with hiking in nature, with petting animals, with art work, with geothermal baths, with massages, with foot massages which are very beneficial, with classical music, with Mozart's music in particular which has been reported as having healed hearing impairments and having made plants grow faster. There are numerous holistic healing methods out there for us to grab, they don't have to cost a whole lot either. Much of the stuff is just there in our vicinity and often for free. Organic apples for example grow in abundance in the countryside, often apple trees grow on public land or city property where we have the right to pick some. There are so many wonderful hiking trails through nature in the USA in particular. Lets enjoy this vast open and undeveloped land as long as it’s still there. When we meet an animal let’s pet him or her, it will be beneficial for the animal and us. There is so much we can do to move towards the positive life. It is critical to never blame things on others even if it is justified because we can only be living as the role model and not as someone who complains, if we want to be happy. Accusing someone is not going to help the other person mentally grow. Being role models, doing what we like doing and which will help others as well, is the only way to educate others.

　

The Vipassana meditation by S. N. Goenka is helping millions of people around the world. In this environment a person will feel very comforted and held so that he will not likely fall off his own path during the withdrawals. There are courses offered for free all around the Earth in almost every town. Check Vipassana on Google and look up on their website where the next Vipassana course near your location had been planned.

　

Beyond Master- and Slave Morality

Friedrich Nietzsche talked about Master- and Slave Morality. He praised the Master Morality and criticized the Slave Morality although with lots of amendments within his work on this subject, with open endings and with the invitation for the readers to inspect this matter for themselves. I go a step further and say lets move beyond either one. Both, Master as well as Slave morality is a useless approach to life. We have to dissolve all hierarchies all together. If I dismiss the hierarchy of the old school I have to be consequent and also prevent any form of hierarchy within a new way of thinking. If a Republican looks down on a bleeding heart Democrat then we bleeding heart persons find that repugnant, but as we find that repugnant we forget that we in turn look down on the Republican. We have to realize that looking down on anybody, no matter what the person did, will only aggravate the situation. Why look down on someone? Why not just assess the situation as it is without judgement and only draw the consequences from it?

Example 1: I stop at a rest stop and see someone dumping their sewer into a river. Looking down on that person is not going to help the greater good. What can I do in that situation other than crying over the pollution? I can knock on their camper door and ask with a friendly voice "Would you please stop dumping your sewer into the rivers, there are frogs living and they depend on clean water." The drunk guy dumping comes out and shoots me.

Example 2: I call the police and report the guy dumping but instead of preventing the guy from dumping the police comes over to the hot spring in which I am nakedly bathing asking me whether I was naked. My husband says No and the officer says "bathing naked is against the law" and leaves. Kinda like "Alright, the dumper is cool, but let me give this naked woman a ticket for being naked".

Due to religious beliefs the USA still has not moved beyond making nakedness an issue. Should I now "look down" on the dumper, the officer and society? What good will it bring me to look down on them? It will not help anyone and it just makes things more complicated. But what I Can do is do my very best to educate the public so that they will view the fact that there are more options of viewing the world, that we have to take good care of our mother Earth, the frogs in the watersheds, the wildlife in general, and that we can question society and authority.

I grew up in a society in Europe in which being educated is seen as the highest virtue and anybody not being educated was considered not part of their society. This mindset has in turn created a high percentage of people afraid of going to school and in my case fear of audiences which means fear of being looked down on. Professor Dr. Gerald Huether, neurobiologist at the University of Goettingen, Germany works as a scientist connecting the dots between this old mindset of society and an increased number of fearful students. A whopping 40% of German students go to school in fear of not achieving the grades they hope for, in fear of being ridiculed and in fear of being looked down on. Dr. Huether says that we are in desperate need of a complete school- and psychiatry system reform. More and more pharma drugs are prescribed for attention deficit disorders and other learning disabilities as well as depression and anxiety. He says that instead of prescribing drugs to kids we need to communicate with them. Children should never have to learn under pressure but instead be given the opportunity to learn from passion, excitement, and creativity. Scientific studies have revealed that learning within a context of creativity and love for the subject, people learn with utmost ease.

Example: When I was 16 I attended a school in Germany where I had a mean English teacher, a hostile older lady who was jealous of pretty young girls. She singled me out as it had often been the case with those type of people in my life. She bullied me, she tried to make me feel ashamed and she constantly ridiculed me. I would say that a teacher behaving like this is unethical! I was afraid, unmotivated and I had a learning block because of her bullying. Then she chose the worst learning material as she could have possibly come up with, it was a story of some guy called Daddy Long Legs, a story which made no sense to me at all, some story of a past generation that had no relevance to my generation. I didn't understand the story, I had no motivation to read this book nor try to decipher what it meant. My grades in English were equivalent to an F. I didn't pass the tests and had to do the same school year again a second time. In that year we had a fantastic English teacher, a man in his fifties who was really caring and understanding of our needs. He gave us a book to read that contained 4 spooky stories which ended with a philosophical meaning that was very inspirational for us. I loved that book and was motivated to learn the vocabulary and grammar and all of the sudden my grade rose to a C.

When I moved to LA in 1992 I had to look up words in my dictionaries all day long and I never left my apartment without it. At the end of the day I studied the newly learned words and was able to learn them as easily as a play because I learned the words in the context of the school's main subjects which was the brain, therapy sessions and emotional liberation. Everything revolved around emotions and healing old trauma. Those were all subjects which have always interested me and which made me feel at ease. This is how learning should happen for all people. The Brockwood Park school designed by Jiddu Krishnamurti and the Waldorf school designed by Rudolf Steiner are providing this principle of learning within a common sense context.

The Healing Process

Every single person can heal without undergoing expensive therapy sessions, surgeries nor taking toxic medication. Before searching for women, wealth or even where you want to go in your professional life, it is absolutely necessary to go within yourselves first. This applies to all people of course, not only men.

Keep asking yourself questions like What do I really want?. If it is something superficial then ask more questions like Why do I want that, what will it give me, how will that be healthy for me and so on. Never give up asking questions. That's what I did and I made progress with it tremendously. I never allow any corner of my nervous system to gather mental dust, I inspect it all and broom it all out. Then I replace it with fresh and new ideas and solutions. Never allow yourself to bend down to any dictation of any sort because not much of what we have been taught stands forever fixated. Much of the morals are detached from who you really are and from who others really are. For example, I have been told by my family when I was a child that I should not be looking for a rich husband and that I should instead be looking for a nice guy. This statement never made any sense to me but as a child I did not challenge anyone, I thought that adults knew it all. So later on I realize for myself that a rich man could also be a nice man. It doesn't necessarily have to cancel each other out. Or another example, I was asked to help the women clean up the table. But they never asked my brother to clean up which made me angry. Later on I challenged them on this issue and called them sexists. They never even thought about it. That's what I mean, many of us just accept right away any type of norm and law without giving it a second thought. I began to ask my brother to help clean up the table because he belonged to my generation and we should make things better for the future. To ask my grandfather would have been not only a waste of time but risky to say the least. Another example, my brother and I were told by my father and uncle that animals "only react out of instincts" and they "don't think". My closest friend was my grandmother's Harlequin Great Dane and I knew that he had thoughts. Maybe not like doing mathematical calculations, but he had indeed thoughts. He thought that he liked me, he thought that it was fun to play with us, he thought that he liked my grandmother, he thought that there was food in the kitchen and refrigerator. When I put on my coat he knew that I was about to go for a walk and take him with me so he became very happy. That's not instinct, that is thinking in simple causality. He remembers that we have been on walks together before, those memories come up into conscious awareness and he is thinking "yes she is putting on the coat and she will take me for a walk". Today its no longer debated whether animals think because it’s clear and scientifically acknowledged that they think. All mammals have the same nervous system, some are smarter than others in cognitive abilities, that's all. As I mentioned before, some birds and even large octopuses have high cognitive function.

So those are just a few of the many examples about how a common knowledge of humans can quickly shift and sometimes be totally replaced by new knowledge, that's why I advise people not to be so fast in accepting everything others tell them. Listen to your inner guidance, how does something feel that is being taught? Does it feel a bit off? Does it contradict your personal experiences? Does it feel comfortable or not? In general we have to read a lot and learn a lot and also make our own observations, with other words, each of us has the responsibility to become one's own scientist, because that is what a scientist does, he observes and compares and organizes information.

The kid in the BMW who shot people had much more than most people could ever wish for in material possessions. He had money, intellectual parents, he went to good schools, lived in a good area, and he looked really good, at least that is what I think. From what I have learned on the Internet is that he did not establish primal trust during his baby and childhood years. I know how that feels myself that's why I knew so well how he was feeling in the car. I know how this deep hatred, loneliness and insecurity feels. What he is teaching us is that good looks, wealth and good schools are not the only factors in creating mental stability and that those criteria are rather secondary in fact. This is very important for people to understand. What makes a person stable psychologically is when the caregiver as the mother, stepmother, grandmother, father or friend gives the child unconditional love during the very first 3 years of someone's life. When this most important first step had been missed then the person will most likely become a very unhappy person later on no matter what the other circumstances are.

I often told my parents and friends that I would have traded my life any time in the past with a person in a wheelchair who was psychologically stable. To feel unstable, uneasy, be in emotional pain and having severe depression is torture beyond measure. In the past this condition was not given enough recognition which added even more to the problem. Today much of the common knowledge has caught up with the situation and there is way more information out there about mental illness. I want people to understand that before they have a kid they need to know what causes mental illness and how to prevent a person from living a life in torment. That is why I chose not to have a kid. Why take the chance and make unforeseen mistakes again causing someone to suffer? I don't know whether I will be the perfect mother, maybe yes and maybe no. It is too risky. Its better to adopt a dog or kid, they are already here. Why deliberately make another one? But if you choose to bring a child into this world then you must understand the risks involved and the circumstances which can lead to severe mental illness. Are you totally ready for it? Are you healthy? Are you under 30 if possible? Are you free from drugs, nicotine and alcohol? Are you living a totally clean life free from any toxins? You have to consider all of this. Will you give your child undivided attention, unconditional love, time and physical warmth and body contact? This is absolutely critical for survival and well being. We also have to ask ourselves: Why do I want to have a kid? What are my underlying motivations? Do I want this in order to prove that I am a woman? Do I want this to proliferate my genes? Do I want it for selfish reasons?

I see comments on the Internet under the Elliott videos like "How immature, how selfish, how ridiculous". People don't understand that when the primal trust had not been established during childhood the person will remain in that state of mind where he does not trust himself nor others. The hurt had already been done and it had left its severe scars.

But it is possible to heal the brain and dissolve the trauma through diligent work on ourselves and through tons of researching and going within ourselves. Researchers have done that throughout the last 40 years and longer and they have come across many great approaches and solutions. It is never one thing alone that will cure us. In order to heal we have to do a radical lifestyle reform in our own lives, each person for herself or himself. Healing something had never been done through interventive methods like pharma drugs. I am referring to my own experiences and those of many others. Healing means a complete renewal of surroundings, friends, food, air, water, clothes, etc.

Victoria Everett, a lady who made videos about her new life style and how it helped her, was very sick physically and psychologically, she even had her gallbladder removed and her condition got worse. She found out about holistic health on TV and began to study it vigorously. She tested different food plans until she learned that eating only raw and fresh organic vegetables and fruits has healed people from all illnesses. She began to eat only raw and fresh plant food and immediately her illnesses dissolved one after another. You can see her on YouTube, she looks a bit like Pamela Anderson who by the way has healed her health problems with the same food, she looks vibrant and is beaming with joy and happiness. I am so grateful for her and many others who have made that commitment in their lives to live so pure. They are our teachers, they are the real doctors who really have something to say to us in regards to healing because they have healed themselves and they are living examples of how important holistic healing methods are.

I tested this raw food lifestyle and ate only raw and fresh plant food for 3 weeks. I noticed a drastic improvement in my overall health, I even fell asleep right away when I went to bed and had no more nightmares and horror thoughts. I had to do this because I had a severe gastrointestinal inflammation and did not want to undergo some horrific tests and interventions. My inflammation dissolved right away within the first 3 days and never came back even after I relapsed back to pasta and breads. But I try to eat mainly raw and fresh plant food and I Never eat meat.

It is also highly important to quit all toxic substances like cigarettes, alcohol, any type of drugs, etc. I personally also don't like marijuana because it made me feel even more insecure. I believe that it is a nervetoxin. Not all plants are safe to consume. There are some highly toxic plants out there which can cause severe illness and neurodegenerative dysfunction. It is critical to know which plant to consume and in which amount. Anyone who consumes toxic substances sabotages himself right away. Quitting all of those toxins is one of the first steps to healing. Only with a purified system can we begin the healing process mentally and physically. I see a lot of people on the Internet trying to make excuses for taking substances in particular hallucinogens. I see comments like "Moderation is key". A toxin is usually still a toxin even in moderation. It still causes nerve damage and inhibits the healing process. People are often clinging to substances because they think the substances prevent them from feeling the emotional pain. You can not heal as long as you take the substances.

Give real healing a chance and the emotional pain will dissolve for good. It takes courage and determination to get through withdrawals but it’s 100% worth doing it. There is no healing before total purification of the system. But no matter how addicted someone is, there are smooth methods to withdrawing. I didn't know when I withdrew from the pharma drugs what I needed to avoid the suffering while doing it. But today I know because I researched it in depths for many, many years and I want to share it with you. I don't wish anyone to have to go through all the suffering that I have gone through in my whole life.

What you need when withdrawing is really good friends or family who stand by your side no matter how difficult life might be for any of you. You need someone to give you at least 3 foot massages, each lasting for about half an hour or more, per day. Drink lots of fresh squeezed juices every day. Get a juicer and juice fruits and vegetables. Join meditation groups or yoga groups. It helps to do this in a group setting and not do this alone. Avoid any negativity like horror shows, news, or shallow TV shows. Move towards large minded conversations for example listen to people talk about their own healing journeys, listen to meditation instruction videos, watch wild animals either in nature or in documentaries, etc. This is very important.

I had been stuck in negative habits. I know how important it is to avoid negativity. Also we must learn to pay attention to the words we use. I hear so much reckless bullying on the Internet in form of casual language. We must avoid wordings like "That is so gaaaay", or "You pussy", or "I made a killing", just to name a few. We have to become aware of our own language and choose kinder language instead. We can say "You guys are cute", or "You rock" or "I found a better job", etc, sometimes the new choice of words or wordings might seem quite subtle but if we pay attention to it we will be part of the upward curve creation in society. Every word has its own energy. If we encourage each other instead of discourage then we are on the path of healing. All of what I say applies always to the way we handle our animals as well. They, too are sensitive and perceive way more than we are aware of. My Great Dane Kenny perceives just like a 5 year old human boy would. He sees it when I am sad, he comes over and puts his head on my lap or his paw on my arm, he gives me kisses, he lays himself next to me. When I feel good he feels good, too, then he jumps and wants to dance with me the lasso game where I have to wave the rope in the air and he catches it. When I go outside he follows me around to protect me. He also learned sign language. He can think and he is very sensitive to emotions. Kenny is deaf but he still reads the energies. Hearing dogs can hear the words and perceive their energy. Each word has an energy vibration in the air and hearing dogs know right away what the words are associated with. I see people play way too recklessly with words and I see lots of scared and sad dogs on the Internet. We have to pay close attention to how we communicate with dogs and other beings. All of this is part of our healing journey. I thought about going to schools and giving people free foot massages just to make people feel better. Most people do not feel very good. I see it everywhere. I particularly want to help those who have been bullied.

When I think of Gary Allen, Mary Malone the brilliant painter, the kid in the car and many others who have died out of loneliness I ponder over the solutions which would have helped them and healed them if I had met them or been there for them at the right time. Maybe my story and thoughts on this subject mental illness and how to heal can help those who are still alive.

If Gary had joined some meditation groups, maybe he would have felt less lonely and it would have given him some fulfillment so that he did not need to think of those young women. He would have met positive people who could have given him yet more solutions. At one point he was healing his health problems with Dr. Schulze's detox cures and he was becoming strong and happier. But when Gary was alone again for a longer time and not going hiking with us he quit the detox programs and the raw food and went back to his old unhealthy habits. Then he forgot about what Dr. Schulze had said in his books that surgeries will not help. Gary had surgeries done and his health deteriorated from then on. I feel so sorry for what he went through. The only way to heal is through the holistic health path. Never give up on it because each facet of the many different natural healing methods counts. We told Gary that he should love an older woman, too, that what matters is love and not the superficial sexual attraction alone. But he could not hear our words, he was already far away with his thoughts in Honolulu dancing with a short skirted young Pacific Islander girl.

Again, the problems begin during the first 3 years of someone's life and when the foundation for stability has not been established then the train is derailed for life. I saw in a documentary about the warrior gene that even someone who has the genetic predisposition of selfishness will still love a less attractive partner later on in life when the foundation of love had been established by the mother or parents. A mafia type of guy from New York honestly admitted that he would have become an uncaring person if he had not been given the unshakable love by his mother when he was a baby and child.

Then there are some rare people who had not been given love during infancy and yet they still care deeply about others. This happens when they have the genetic disposition for a brain that is highly functioning in regard to sensitivity, caring and compassion. For those people life is most likely very hard but they at least have the love from within themselves. I have love in my life no matter where I would be because I feel love for others.

I can not imagine the total desolateness of someone who has neither the primal trust foundation nor the brain formations which stand for compassion. It is those people who often end up killing animals and people. I wish that they, too could read my book and consider with conscious efforts to make peaceful decisions in their lives. I recommend to them to read the books by Dr. Adrian Raine, Dr. Arthur Janov and Pema Chodron to find peaceful paths for themselves. I also recommend the books and Vipassana meditation courses by S. N. Goenka. They helped so many people already. The brain is flexible and has the potential to grow stronger formations in time when the brain is trained through persistent meditation, the right surroundings, positivity, kindness, compassion, nature and learning about the needs of other beings.

For anybody who is lonely I recommend to help the dogs in animal shelters by taking them for walks each day. My friend Kate has been doing that in San Francisco for many years. The dogs are infinitely grateful to you for walking with them around the area. Dogs in shelters are very scared because they don't know what will happen to them, they are so lonely, and they wish so deeply that soon someone will adopt them and bring them into their loving home.

Anyone on the healing path will become well. It will not take that long and each day will bring improvements. It is important to find friends and groups to hang out with who are supportive of the health path in general. Anyone who discourages you is not supportive and is even unhealthy for you. Even if it’s a close family member, if the person is hostile or even subtly unempowering to you then it is better for you to distance yourself from that person. This can be done without fights and through a stern but gentle explanation. You Must stand up for your well being. This can feel strange for people who have never stood up for themselves, in particular towards those they have always feared in some way. Now is the time to do it. My friend Birgit died because she did not stand up for herself. I even sent her a sculpture that showed her teeth, telling her to show her teeth more often in a symbolic form. But she did not use that advice.

The German artist painter and sculptor Jonathan Meese said that art must rule the world, that we have to serve art and that the dictatorship of art must replace all other systems. I totally agree with him. When we allow art to rule our lives then art will pay us back in infinite abundance. I have experienced it myself first hand. Today I have hung my large wall size paintings up on the stairway walls and the daylight coming in from the sky light illuminates my art in its most brilliant colors. It makes me happy to look at my art as if it was something that created itself. I was rather a facilitator in the process. It is alive and it has something to say to us. If all humans began to paint and make sculptures out of old materials like cardboard boxes, cookie containers, packaging Styrofoam stuff, etc., they would feel so much better, it would make their lives brilliant all around them. I recommend it to everybody, in particular people like the kid in the BMW who was so lonely. He did not see light at the end of the tunnel in his life. He could not imagine being fulfilled. I want to introduce to all of you that there is beauty right at your fingertips. You only need to buy indoor decorating acrylic paint in any color you like, they got color panels to choose from at Home Depot for example. Reuse all of that old material that otherwise might end up in landfills if it’s not going to the recycling center. We recycle all stuff that I can not use. And the worms recycle the kitchen compost like rotten fruits, food rests, old vegetables, etc., into rich Earth soil. I even paint old locker cabinets that are made out of plastic and make them look like they were made out of wood. I don't buy wood because we have to keep the trees alive and standing. We can remodel any type of furniture and make it look great again. Going into the flow of creativity is the key to happiness. The Los Angeles artist Judy Baca involves young people to help her paint her murals on large cement walls around the entire LA area. Many people have found through art a new path towards well being and empowerment.

Hiking helped me very much when I lived in LA. Paul showed me all those amazing places. The dogs loved the hikes. The best hikes are those which lead to hot springs. I hike very fast when the path leads towards huge rewards.

I recommend thorough physical cleanliness. Its a subject very few people want to talk about because they find it too personal. But this subject is very important for all of us, animals and humans. We have to keep ourselves really clean to avoid painful illnesses like scabies, ringworm and athlete’s foot just to name a few. Again, for men or boys looking for a girlfriend, it is mandatory that you take a shower each day before leaving the house. I also recommend taking a shower after you come back home because of the street dust and air pollutants but also because of sweating. I like Weleda and Dr. Hauschka shampoos, they are all great for body and hair, they don't dry out the skin, they nourish your skin cells because their products are all made from 100 percent natural plants or minerals. They are pure and do not hurt aquatic life like septic tank worms. We need our septic tank worms because they decompose everything into rich Earth soil. We never have to have the septic tank pumped out because we only use Earth friendly soaps and creams. The worms in our tank are very healthy. Living environmentally clean is a hassle free, money saving, and healthy way of living.

Women like men who are really clean, smell like natural plant oils, and wear expensive and natural clothing. This is very attractive to most of us. I even like older men when they smell good and are exceptionally clean. I don't recommend using any type of alcohol sprays for cleaning anything because it’s not good for skin and environment. I recommend only plant and natural mineral based products for cleaning and skin care. For example I love Diatomaceous Earth clay, Bentonite clay, other Earth clays, natural sodium bicarbonate and sodium carbonate which are the perfect and most powerful mold extinguishers, natural calcium carbonate for cleaning teeth, all essential plant oils, cold processed organic olive oil, etc. If you research those raw materials you can make your own cosmetic even. I make my own deodorants, creams and lotions. Weleda Foot Balm works well not only for feet and to heal athlete’s foot but it also works as an excellent armpit deodorant which lasts all day and does not cause toxicity.

I recommend swimming in natural pools, lagoons, ocean and geothermal pools which are not treated with any type of chemical. Swimming is the best physical activity for gaining strength and muscles. It moves all muscles in the body and is particularly excellent for the belly muscles and to decrease the belly fat. Being in a pond outside in nature grounds the whole system and recharges the body's energy in a healthy way. If you don't have a pool then lying on your lawn without a mat under you where your body touches the ground is also very excellent for grounding also called Earthing. One should do that every day at least for an hour. I recommend Dr. Schulze's Bug Barrier, it comes as a salve or as an oil. The Bug Barrier is an all natural insect repeller from organic plants and it works the best of all bug sprays I have ever had.

All of those steps listed have made people heal themselves. The more people did in regards to their health the faster and the deeper was the healing process. Many people have not only healed the most severe conditions but the illnesses also never came back. The mind heals together with the body because the mind is part of the body so that better thoughts arise and a better attitude towards others. This is the foundation of attracting a girlfriend or boyfriend, but much more important is that people feel really good about living and being who they really are when they follow all of those steps.

Whatever music you like, I recommend to listen for one hour each day to classical music. Scientific studies have revealed that people who listen to Mozart in particular have increased their IQ. Classical music also soothes the nerves and relaxes the nervous system.

It is very important to bring yourself into a state of balance first before looking for a girlfriend or boyfriend. I have seen it so many times including in my own life. When we need someone we only chase the other person away. Finding romantic love from a state of need will never work. The same applies to making money. Esther Hicks talks about this in detail. I read almost all of her books. And as Tony Robbins said, you can only gain abundance of any sort when you first put yourself into a state of abundance. In order to do that you can not seek someone else out to fix you because nobody can fix you and no pill can fix you. There is no such thing as quick fixes that last because they are always artificial interventions which are forceful, detached from nature and detached from the flow of life itself.

True healing is also accepting full responsibility for your own actions and no longer blaming others for things that go wrong. Even if there is someone to blame, don't do it. Instead ask yourself the question "How can I make this better?", "What can I do to prevent this or that from happening?", "What was my part in this scenario?", "How can I communicate better with others?". When we ask those question we take responsibility for our own lives. We are not helpless, ever. It only appears as such. In reality there are numerous solutions that we can achieve. For example the kid in the car blamed all of his troubles on the blonde girls in his school. The girls might not even have noticed him and if they did they may have been a bit scared of him because of his attitude towards them. He caused all of the problems for himself, every single one. However the problems do go back to not having had secure love as a baby. But we can not stay stuck in the blame towards our caregivers either because once we are adults we have the means to take charge of our lives no matter how battered we are. I know because I have been through this. I have seen life from many different angles and viewpoints. Tony Robbins talks about taking charge of one's life. His tapes have helped me tremendously. Society in general at this time in history unfortunately tries hardest to unempower us which has to do with greed and commercialism. They want you to feel meek and unpopular because they are hoping that you will buy their after shave, perfume, clothes, car, etc. They want you to think that only through buying those items that you will become popular and find acceptance. It goes much farther than that even. They advertise a politician to you the same way. Have the guts to say No to peer pressure of any sort. You don't need this strss. Psychological stress has been found to be the number one leading cause of wear and tear in people's bodies. Stress leads to lack of sleep which in turn leads to illness and mental dysfunction which leads to more stress. Those chain reactions can be avoided by saying No to the struggle for acceptance and love. If you have to struggle with someone for their acknowledgement for whatever situation, romantic love, social acceptance or even just agreeing with your point, then you already know that the person you are struggeling with is not interested in you or what you have to say. So why continue the struggle? It doesn't matter who the other person is, it could be your mother. Let go of the struggle. You can still love or respect the person, but let go of their company. Do your own thing. Go your own path. Hang out with people who love you, respect you and acknowledge you. Even if there is nobody around to accept you as their company, never give in to peer pressure. Stay true to yourself. If you really like vegan food for example then don't eat animal parts at your parent's barbecue just because your mother would cry if you didn't. For all boys out there, Never allow your dad to pressure you into becoming a macho guy because he would call you "pussy", "sissy" or "fag" if you refused to dress like him. In particular, do not bend down to a dad like Ted Nugent or a mother like Sarah Palin when they request from you to hunt animals with them or when they want you to pull the guts out of fish. Say No! to them. If they kick you out then leave and move in with caring friends. I talked to a couple of teens from the US on YouTube who told me that their parents have kicked them out for being atheists. I told them to stay true to their world view no matter what. I told them that they are very brave for standing up for who they are: Smart, focused and intellectually honest. If your parents treat you bad then you have to know that you are not alone in this situation. There are many kids who do not get along with their families. Listen to your gut instinct about things. When something feels totally out of balance then you can count on your intuition. Listen to your inner child to what feels good. Only people who respect your needs deserve to be your friends.

Gary Allen did not need to struggle for Summer's love. Sandra was in love with Gary. He could have accepted her as his girlfriend and they would have made the best couple, they would have helped each other and they had the chance to become very happy. But he rejected her because she was not smart enough and not young enough. He caused his own pain. Tony Robbins talks about gratitude and how important it is to practice this mindset. If we meet someone who really likes us then liking that person back can be so wonderful. But of course, I am not saying to accept anyone just because the person likes you. But it is important to be good to that person who likes you. Maybe you want to remain single for a while longer until you find someone who is more compatible. Important is that we make our lives as happy as possible with or without a partner because that is the foundation for finding happy relationships.

Women want to feel loved. They don't want to be only sexually wanted. Women want a man who really cares about them. I see on YouTube a lot of comments from men saying "Them PETA chicks, I would like to bang them". I told them that they first have to become vegan themselves and become loving towards all life before they can meet and connect with someone like a PETA chick. Women and most of all caring women are not attracted to barbaric hunter type of guys. Women want to date men who make caring family members and good fathers to their pets and kids. Women want men who they can trust 100%. All of that macho bad ass type of behavior men often act out is repulsive for women. Many men think that they are more "manly" if they act barbaric. That's why I am explaining this to you guys.

Let me give you an example from my own life: In 2010 I fell in love with J. I have always been a fan of heavy metal and when I heard him sing slower songs that embraced peace I thought "Wow, that guy is beautiful inside and out". Then I kept hearing those negative things about him and when I watched their documentary film in which he talks about having killed an innocent mother bear in Russia I was so disappointed, shocked and sad that my crush was completely gone. I then petitioned to save the bears in Russia, a campaign which succeeded and J. was not more than one of my many hopeless and embarrassing crushes I had in my life. I recognize what happened to him as a child has imprinted him with this same peer pressure I am talking about. His dad made fun of him and drilled into him to become a brutal barbarian "in order" to become a "real man". Instead of hating his dad and rejecting this whole Republican attitude he grew up to identify himself with it and his Ego latched on to this persona of being the "tough" guy. If he ever wanted to heal his wounds he would have to face this old identification and consciously dissolve it.

Don't make the same mistakes as J. and the other guys made when they think they have to portray some type of tough character to the outside world in order to gain respect. Any time someone acts contrary to their own physical needs and body cells, that person does not gain respect from others. Many people reject someone who puts up an act. Women feel safe with genuine, loving and caring men. That's why most humans feel safer in the presence of animals because they don't judge us for the way we really are.

Humanity can learn from dogs. Dogs are Gods. Dogs are here to teach us about true love. Animals in general are our teachers. I also recommend the books by Dr. Temple Grandin because she describes how farm animals feel and think. So many people and farmers don't realize that the pigs, horses and cows have the same needs and feelings as they have.

I like men who wear pink shirts and suits. I saw Dave Meniketti, the singer of Y and T, wear a pink coverall in one of his concerts in the 80s and I love that outfit and the way he looks in it with his long hair. A gorgeous man, genuine, caring, loving, highly talented, and extremely good looking. Dave would never hunt animals. He should be the role model of the heavy metal world instead of the barbaric singers. The 90s were financially hard on those musicians who prefer to sing about love rather than war. But the tide is turning now. The new generation of kids know that only love matters, many of them stand by loving and kindhearted thoughts and actions no matter what others might tell them. Dolores Cannon calls those the third wave of volunteers who come here in masses today to help. Other people call them star children, indigo kids and crystal kids. They can also be called Angels.

It feels really good to compliment someone when it’s justified. I don't want to go overboard and tell someone that they are so slender when the person is fat because that would upset the person even more since he knows that is not true. But I like to compliment people about whatever good they do, have or accomplish. I think it is important to boost other people's self esteem and in general give positive feedback. It feels good to say to a beautiful woman "You are very beautiful" when you are a straight woman yourself. Why not? Ego? We have to introspect and then often we will see why we could not say it. Once we say it, boy does it feel good. It is liberating, we are no longer bound to Ego, we are no longer shackled by jealousy, we can breathe, we can say the truth without hurting. And even if it hurts, allow that to be and sit with it silently. Isn't it nice that the beautiful woman feels good? I think so. I thought about this for so many years because I suffered from the worst jealousy one can imagine. After the woman (I was jealous of) moved out of our guest house, a Brazilian Mastiff moved in, a puppy girl, she actually reminded me a bit of the human girl who lived there before her because the puppy dog was getting her first period and she really was in love with Ludwig our Great Dane. The way the puppy showed up under our window looking for him was so touching (when dogs have their first period they should be protected from males because their uteri are not fully grown and it can cause dangerous complications when they get pregnant.)

Why was I not touched by the human girl looking for my husband? Haha, you can answer that for me. But again, seriously, it is the same situation. A dog girl and a human girl, both pretty and sexy, looking for a romantic partner. Nothing wrong with it. So I realized that when I dissolve my jealousy and activate my understanding of the human girl then I can see her the way I see the puppy. I don't need to be jealous of either individual because the jealousy is an ancient feeling from the past, not a threat to my existence. The girls are living beings who have needs and the human girl, even if she got my husband, is not erasing my identity at all, quite the opposite, it would have freed me from the relationship with my husband which was rough, and even if it had not been rough, it would have given me the chance to move on and explore more people in my life. We have to see things the way they are, every situation is a present from the universe, an opportunity to grow and a chance to be invigorated by new things.

Boys who wish for girl friends need to understand that women in general do not make the first move, instead they wait for the boy to do something flattering towards them. I speak from my own wishes and needs. When I go somewhere I feel shy and insecure a lot, I don't want to go up to people and talk to them for my own needs. I only talk to people when I petition for the whales because then it is not done for me but for others. I feel rejected when men don't talk to me first. It makes me feel like I am not interesting, attractive or lovely enough to them. But the more I learn about those lonely boys, the more I understand that often their snobbish behavior is just a facade, that they would really like to be talked to by a woman. I will make an effort to initiate a conversation from now on. But boys need to know that they have nothing to lose if they initiate the conversation. If the lady does not want to talk to them that is ok, too, they can move on and talk to someone else then. We need to dissolve the shame and open ourselves up for real communication with others. It is very important to be honest with others and yourselves. Never pretend something, it only leads to serious and often painful misunderstandings. Always be real and honest about your needs. Never blame others, never insinuate, never accuse, it only causes pain. Honest, open, and productive criticism, always expressing any type of disagreement without hate is the only way for a functioning communication and relationship.